10/19/2017 0 Comments is this real?One thing that gets me about this whole fertility process (I mean, besides the whole not having a baby for years thing) is the hormones. At first, I felt fine. Even during my first round of IVF - it was hard, but it was manageable. After taking hormones for several cycles, though, it's hard to remember what "normal" felt like. And even harder? To separate a "real" feeling from one brought on by the hormones I've been dumping into my body for almost a year now.
Is this a normal reaction or is this something that wouldn't bother me so much if I wasn't on hormones? Even more complicated is the fact that, yes, I'm going through something that's incredibly hard - infertility and treatment. So, even if there weren't three different kinds of hormones all sloshing around inside me, I might be testy because I'm doing something incredibly stressful. I KNOW that the hormones are affecting me because there are days when I'm crying for no reason or overreacting to things that are out of character for me. That's fine, I can accept those days because I know what they are. But the asshole that hits me on the streetcar? Am I really mad at that guy because he couldn't be bothered to move aside, or would I just normally shrug it off? Hard to tell. Doubting whether your thoughts and feelings are real takes you to a new reality, one where you're questioning everything you do. It's exhausting. There is a silver lining, though (for me). When you're NOT questioning everything you think and feel, when things as business as usual, that's a problem. So maybe this is helping me to get to know myself again, to realize who I am NOW rather than a year ago. The downside - constantly questioning who you are is a confidence crisis. And not a pleasant one. What can I do? Take this as it comes - it's happening, I accept that. And hope that I make it out the other side of my next cycle pregnant (FINALLY).
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10/12/2017 0 Comments it didn't workAll that to say, no, it didn't work. This cycle, any cycle. No baby. I don't even use the word baby usually, I don't even think about that end result. I keep my eyes on the prize - incremental goals. Good levels. Can we go forward this time? THEN pregnancy. No one ever says "baby".
I am sad today, infinitely sad. It's hard to grieve a loss of something you never really had. It doesn't feel valid. Every day, it seems, someone is announcing a pregnancy. And they're all SECOND babies now, everyone's moved on. It isn't fair, really, for me to be sad about other people's happy news. And I'm not sad that they have something that I don't have, the sadness is really just that I can't get it, that I am trying so hard, putting everything I have into this thing that is supposed to just happen. The thing that happened to my mother without her even wanting it, something that was a curse. And now that I want it, it is the hardest thing. Is it the hormones fucking with me? Maybe. Is it just a natural come down after a few failed cycles and being old and tired and not wanting to deal with this shit anymore? Along with the thousands of dollars it will cost to do the new IVF cycle? This is the hard part. This is the part you look back on and think, "Wow that was hard but I'm glad that I have this baby now. But that was hard." I GET THAT, it doesn't make this easier. It doesn't make it FAIR. I'm sick of making lemonade. I'm sick of dealing. Can someone else take over now? One thing is for damn sure. I'm pretty set on this IVF cycle working. I WILL be pregnant by JANUARY dammit. This shit is getting old. So I'm at Vancouver airport, waiting for our flight to Honolulu. We were supposed to take off at 5:40pm local time and it is now 10:12pm (which means it's 1am Toronto time). We don't even take off until 1:20am (unless we're delayed again). So that's pretty much a day of our trip missed. It's a frigging six hour flight. Ugghhhhhh. What is it with patience? I mean, I understand, universe! You're trying to teach me patience!
But there's not much to convince me I haven't been patient enough. Anyway, I'm here in this lovely lounge that J's credit card got us into. The credit card is worth its weight in gold. I'm here, sitting, waiting. Thinking. J is trying to sleep. I can't sleep in public places, as a rule. I may very well be three weeks pregnant (I may very well not be). I have not been allowed to drink alcohol or very much caffeine today which is probably a good thing. I am trying to be okay with the fact that a day of our week long vacation has vanished into thin air (poof!) like so many other things: years of my life, a baby, delusions of grandeur, et cetera. Things just slip past. I are overly fortunate and comfortable in some ways and so poor in others. Is that to balance things out? Is this to show me that I should just take things as they come? (Yes, of course, and no, it's just the luck of the draw, in every way.) I wandered around the airport and bought a toothbrush and some face wipes. What more do I need? Nothing at all. Maybe a bed! A bed would be nice. 9/24/2017 0 Comments am i pregnant? two week waitingSo my last post was about how I hate waiting, this post is about the two week wait. AKA TWW. AKA BORRRRING! We booked a trip to Hawaii during this time because it's in between treatments, which is cool. Hopefully I'll be able to enjoy myself. No drinking (boring), only one and a half cups of coffee per day (boring) and trying not to think about the thing that I of course am thinking about. AM. I. PREGNANT.
But Hawaii will be amazing and after a couple of years of fertility treatment and losing my job and getting a new job and renovating, I think a vacation is in order. Surviving the two week wait is never easy but being in a beautiful paradise should help, right? For some reason, I'm extra hopeful this month, I've just been feeling some good vibes and the hormones this month haven't had the same awful effects they had last month. Could this all signify something? Trying not to get TOO hopeful. Well, the next entry will have all the answers. My blood test is Oct 4. (WISH ME LUCK!!) 9/20/2017 0 Comments tired of waitingI have been drifting in and out of moods. There is no swinging, just drifting. I think the bad hormone effects are starting. While I'm taking the hormones, I feel okay. Afterwards, I basically could start crying at any moment and have to work very hard at controlling myself.
The IUI went okay. We were waiting a long time and I definitely should not have told my boss I could work from home because I had a lot of cramping afterwards. It definitely wasn't as painful as the first time, but it still hurt. While I waited to go into the procedure room, I did a 10 minute meditation on an app that I love called Insight Timer. For some reason I feel like this month will work. It's a tricky line to walk, between optimism and realism. Statistically, for instance, this WON'T work. And then it will? Who can say... but, um, PLEASE WORK?! My friend came and gave me good vibes and I just felt. good. But who knows. Either way, it's good to feel good. I just know how disappointed I'll be if it doesn't. I'm already buying maternity clothes in my mind. In more of a practical way, mind you, I'm planning being pregnant. Which doctor will I be able to visit without taking too much time off work? When will I need maternity clothes? It sucks that you can't plan these things. I guess I just need to wait another two weeks and then I'll know. But URGH it's been THREE years already! I'm so sick of waiting! So today I went for my day 14 ultrasound and bloods. Basically, if you're doing any kind of treatment (IUI or IVF), you have to go in early in the morning and do ultrasound and blood. Then you have a consult with a nurse who tells you the progress of your cycle. I felt super clean and good this cycle, just a bit cloudy and tired. Mentally I was good.
Until this morning, which is weird because everything is going well. I went in on Saturday morning and (good news!) I'm ovulating on the left side. So they told me to come back Monday morning for B/U. That was this morning. Everything's good, my lining is good and my follicle is 2.4mm (this is the follicle that will release the egg this month, maybe even more than one egg because I'm on hormones). My hormones are surging which means that I'll ovulate tomorrow and they'll inseminate me at 11am. THIS IS ALL GOOD. So why am I a mess today? I think I'm really tired and overwhelmed and they made me buy medication that I don't need (!) ($200 worth!) and I'm sick of this and I don't want to tell my boss I have to take tomorrow off but it hurt so much last time that I couldn't possibly go to work after. Part of it might have been that this nurse prescribed progesterone to me and I really, really, really don't want to take it. I SUPER hope I don't have to take it. I don't think I can stand it. This fertility stuff is really hard. I don't know how much money I've spent, how many hours I've spent sitting in that waiting room, how many injections and blood draws and vaginal ultrasounds I've had, but it feels like way too many. 9/13/2017 0 Comments these hormones are making me tiredSo I got pretty sad the week before last. I think the hormone hangover is worse than the actual hormones. Will investigate. I just finished this cycle's hormones (femera again) and last time the side effects were diarrhea, tiredness and mood swings after the fact. This time I don't have diarrhea (small victories) but I am absolutely shattered. SO tired. It's a demanding work week and I am floating. I remember the floating feeling from last time. Like I'm here but not really here.
(If you're doing hormone treatment, don't bother complaining to women who have given birth, because they will top your symptoms with their pregnancy symptoms. Every time.) So aside from being tired, I am not overly emotional right now (actually taking the hormones made the sadness go away, strangely, I'm sure it'll be back) BUT if something emotional happens, my reaction is EXTRA (as the kids say). So I'll cry at a sad commercial or whatever. Right now my ovaries are BIG, I can feel them. Maybe this is the month?! I really try not to get my hopes up, but I definitely feel bloated down there AND maybe it's psychosomatic, but I feel it on my left side. Fingers crossed. I'm not even worried about getting pregnant so soon into the job anymore because I just want this hormone hell to be done. Even if pregnancy is another kind of hormone hell, I'm done with this one. So I have an appointment Saturday morning and the hope is that I'm ready to go, they'll have an injection for me to take Saturday night and I'll be inseminated Sunday morning (that way I won't even have to take time off work for the appointment! how fortunate would that be?!) Here's hoping this is the month! We'll officially have been trying for three years in a week or two. Would be great if this could wrap up now! Thanks, universe! 9/4/2017 0 Comments another fucking cycle"Let's not be a grumpy bum today, okay?" J says, hugging me. I'm livid. I'm finishing off the wallpaper on our basement laundry area backsplash. The wallpaper he said he'd finish a month ago. Or more! I'm spotting today, which means my period will come tomorrow or the next day and I'm not feeling great.
Last cycle was cancelled because I was ovulating on the right side. Which is the wrong side, because the right side is the side that's blocked. I will start a new cycle of Femera probably this week. I am slowly unravelling. Princess Kate is pregnant with her third! Great! Everyone at work is pregnant! Great! My friend who was pregnant was supposed to come over for lunch last week but she gave birth to a baby girl instead! Great! Everything is great! People ask, how are you? I'm great! Just slowly unravelling. Like normal, the new normal. It's never ending, this waiting, these hormones, these arguments. I have so many arguments and I am watching myself from the outside. J doesn't understand, these feelings burrowing themselves out of my chest at inconvenient times. I have no patience left. I have no willpower left. I have run out of everything. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want anyone to come over. I just want our house to be done so I can hide here. I fight it, I use all my energy to cook dinner or clean up or get dressed and go outside. The neighbours don't talk to us, they only talk to the other people who have children. So I smile and keep walking. I buy flowers to put in the front hall. I putter around. I make lists of things to do before the hormones kick in and I can't move at all. We booked a trip to Hawaii that we can't really afford (the money could have paid for another cycle). Honestly I just needed something to look forward to. If the universe or god or whatever is listening, I'm done! Hello, I'm done! If this doesn't work, if this is another month of nothing, then I'm done! You can go fuck yourself, universe! This horrible awful sadness, how do people contend with it? (I mean, they go on antidepressants. Obvs. But I'm not doing that.) It's just so much nothing. And at the end, that thought, that glimmer, that hope. That one day, one day soon, even! There might be a little baby crying at 3am, pooping all over us, gurgling while I rock on that fucking rocking chair I got (just in case). Please can this just be the month? 8/14/2017 0 Comments The waiting roomThere's a blackboard hanging up in the waiting area at my fertility doctors office. It says, in chalk, "I want to have a baby because...."
The answers are like, "I want to be a soccer mom! My son needs a sibling! The world needs more babies!" That one stops me. I am on hormones right now (they make my follicles grow at a faster rate, making the sperm more likely to take). They are making me an unpredictable bitch. My first thought is: "I want to have a baby because despite overpopulation and our world's dwindling resources, my biological imperative dictates that I must selfishly procreate." I don't write it next to the others. The bulletin board beside the chalkboard has so many baby pictures they're practically falling off. So many smiling babies I don't have. I guess they're supposed to show that fertility treatment works? I stave off tears. Today's appointment is for blood work and a transvaginal ultrasound. This is my third cycle of treatment- the first was IVF with my husband's sperm, the IUIs following (this is the second) are with donor sperm. I'm tired. In the past year I've lost a job, been unemployed for nine months, got a job, managed a renovation and done three cycles of fertility treatment. Tired is an understatement. We're out of money and I'd love a vacation. Our vacation money is spent on hormones that make me cry for no reason and Donor 9749's sperm. Even though I hate the baby pictures everywhere, they keep me on the hook. Invested in the pot. We've already put so much into this. How could we stop now? (Are they selling us false hope?) The ultrasound shows that my right follicles have grown faster than my left. The problem? My left fallopian tube is blocked. I cry (for the third time today - and it's only 8:30am). The nurse says that even though our chances for this cycle have lessened, it's still worth doing. (Is it, though? Maybe... you hear about people getting pregnant in weirder circumstances than a medicated IUI cycle...) Each IUI cycle costs us $1500. Cheaper than what IVF would cost (probably around $25,000 for us in our circumstances). We can decide to switch to IVF at any time. I'd have to take my pension out and that wouldn't fully cover it. We're willing to risk it this cycle. What's another $1500 while I'm still 36? Each month my chances dwindle slightly. I might not even be ovulating on the left side this time, we have to wait another couple days to find out. If I'm not, this cycle is lost (we don't have to pay the $1500, though, we'll have paid for the meds, which are only about $200). I'll let you know how it goes. 8/7/2017 0 Comments back on the wagonYou knew I couldn't stay away long, eh?
So, the past few months have been pretty full on. We finished our reno (yay!), I started my new job (yay!) and I've been generally just trying to relax and be healthy. The plan was always to start treatment again after being in my job for three months and my three month anniversary is this week. Lo and behold, I got my period a few days ago and just like that, I'm back on the fertility treatment train. Or wagon. Or whatever. This will be an IUI cycle if all works out. I mentioned that I didn't enjoy the Clomid side effects to my doctor a while ago and we decided to go with Femera this cycle. My side effects are supposed to be better than on Clomid and apparently Clomid is coming off the market soon. I've been taking it since Day 3 (Friday, today's Monday). On Saturday, I felt nauseous. Yesterday I felt pretty anxious and revved up, especially at night when I took it. Today I woke up late (it's a bank holiday here) feeling really drugged up. I'm tired and a bit blurry. Luckily this I only take this for five days. I anticipate that I'll also need a trigger shot when the time comes. I go back for monitoring on day 13 or 14 (I forget) and if I'm ovulating on the left side (right side's blocked), then I'll probably do the trigger shot and be inseminated the next day. Being back at the clinic made me instantly sad and irritable. I snapped at the nurse (who was a bitch, but still). I am so, so sick of this shit. I just want to be normal. I made an appointment with a therapist that deals with infertility specifically. I feel... ugh. I don't know how people do back to back IVF cycles. It's a lot to put your body through and if you have a job, well... God bless you. Sounds like hell. These hormones really affect me and I'm just taking them for five days. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing to my long term health with all the shit I've been putting in my body. It can't be healthy. But I really want a baby, so.... I'm turning 37 in a few weeks. How did that happen? My late 30s, officially. I really hope I get pregnant soon. Getting pregnant this soon into my job will be hard but I guess I'm in a tricky position. SIGH! Why can't things be easier?? |
AuthorCall me M. The About page should lower those expectations of yours. Archives
November 2017
CategoriesAll Celebrities Clomid Femera Fertility Hormones Infertility IUI IVF Male Infertility Mental Health Mindfulness TWW |