8/14/2017 0 Comments The waiting roomThere's a blackboard hanging up in the waiting area at my fertility doctors office. It says, in chalk, "I want to have a baby because...."
The answers are like, "I want to be a soccer mom! My son needs a sibling! The world needs more babies!" That one stops me. I am on hormones right now (they make my follicles grow at a faster rate, making the sperm more likely to take). They are making me an unpredictable bitch. My first thought is: "I want to have a baby because despite overpopulation and our world's dwindling resources, my biological imperative dictates that I must selfishly procreate." I don't write it next to the others. The bulletin board beside the chalkboard has so many baby pictures they're practically falling off. So many smiling babies I don't have. I guess they're supposed to show that fertility treatment works? I stave off tears. Today's appointment is for blood work and a transvaginal ultrasound. This is my third cycle of treatment- the first was IVF with my husband's sperm, the IUIs following (this is the second) are with donor sperm. I'm tired. In the past year I've lost a job, been unemployed for nine months, got a job, managed a renovation and done three cycles of fertility treatment. Tired is an understatement. We're out of money and I'd love a vacation. Our vacation money is spent on hormones that make me cry for no reason and Donor 9749's sperm. Even though I hate the baby pictures everywhere, they keep me on the hook. Invested in the pot. We've already put so much into this. How could we stop now? (Are they selling us false hope?) The ultrasound shows that my right follicles have grown faster than my left. The problem? My left fallopian tube is blocked. I cry (for the third time today - and it's only 8:30am). The nurse says that even though our chances for this cycle have lessened, it's still worth doing. (Is it, though? Maybe... you hear about people getting pregnant in weirder circumstances than a medicated IUI cycle...) Each IUI cycle costs us $1500. Cheaper than what IVF would cost (probably around $25,000 for us in our circumstances). We can decide to switch to IVF at any time. I'd have to take my pension out and that wouldn't fully cover it. We're willing to risk it this cycle. What's another $1500 while I'm still 36? Each month my chances dwindle slightly. I might not even be ovulating on the left side this time, we have to wait another couple days to find out. If I'm not, this cycle is lost (we don't have to pay the $1500, though, we'll have paid for the meds, which are only about $200). I'll let you know how it goes.
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8/7/2017 0 Comments back on the wagonYou knew I couldn't stay away long, eh?
So, the past few months have been pretty full on. We finished our reno (yay!), I started my new job (yay!) and I've been generally just trying to relax and be healthy. The plan was always to start treatment again after being in my job for three months and my three month anniversary is this week. Lo and behold, I got my period a few days ago and just like that, I'm back on the fertility treatment train. Or wagon. Or whatever. This will be an IUI cycle if all works out. I mentioned that I didn't enjoy the Clomid side effects to my doctor a while ago and we decided to go with Femera this cycle. My side effects are supposed to be better than on Clomid and apparently Clomid is coming off the market soon. I've been taking it since Day 3 (Friday, today's Monday). On Saturday, I felt nauseous. Yesterday I felt pretty anxious and revved up, especially at night when I took it. Today I woke up late (it's a bank holiday here) feeling really drugged up. I'm tired and a bit blurry. Luckily this I only take this for five days. I anticipate that I'll also need a trigger shot when the time comes. I go back for monitoring on day 13 or 14 (I forget) and if I'm ovulating on the left side (right side's blocked), then I'll probably do the trigger shot and be inseminated the next day. Being back at the clinic made me instantly sad and irritable. I snapped at the nurse (who was a bitch, but still). I am so, so sick of this shit. I just want to be normal. I made an appointment with a therapist that deals with infertility specifically. I feel... ugh. I don't know how people do back to back IVF cycles. It's a lot to put your body through and if you have a job, well... God bless you. Sounds like hell. These hormones really affect me and I'm just taking them for five days. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing to my long term health with all the shit I've been putting in my body. It can't be healthy. But I really want a baby, so.... I'm turning 37 in a few weeks. How did that happen? My late 30s, officially. I really hope I get pregnant soon. Getting pregnant this soon into my job will be hard but I guess I'm in a tricky position. SIGH! Why can't things be easier?? |
AuthorCall me M. The About page should lower those expectations of yours. Archives
November 2017
CategoriesAll Celebrities Clomid Femera Fertility Hormones Infertility IUI IVF Male Infertility Mental Health Mindfulness TWW |