10/31/2017 0 Comments oh my gerdSo, the stress is getting to me. I can tell because the telltale symptoms of GERD started to rear their ugly head this evening. That's pretty much when your stomach acid creeps up your esophagus. It's pretty uncomfortable and it happens to me when I'm seriously stressed. So, here's what's happening:
The stakes are high, we need this round to work because we'll be out of money and I'm getting older. The financial stresses are really adding up. J says, "But we have money coming in" ... Sure, but I really like to have savings tucked away. I know that a lot of people are in debt and don't have savings, but I grew up poor and am basically a squirrel with nuts hidden everywhere for winter. What I don't want is no savings. What if something bad happens?! Plus, I'm really worried that going through IVF will make me less effective at my job... and my job is challenging. I want a challenging a job, yes. But this is a pretty big job. I know I can do it, but it doesn't leave much time for processing emotions outside of work (I deal with a lot of people when they're at their most irate). I'm almost disappointed in myself for not being better at dealing with all of this. I went to a party this weekend - I did NOT want to go, it was a family party and I felt obliged. I broke down in tears in the middle of the party and had to leave (smooth). It was an excellent reminded to not force myself to do things, despite other peoples' expectations of me. Speaking of which: next post will be WHEN YOUR FAMILY SUCKS AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR FERTILITY JOURNEY.
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9/24/2017 0 Comments am i pregnant? two week waitingSo my last post was about how I hate waiting, this post is about the two week wait. AKA TWW. AKA BORRRRING! We booked a trip to Hawaii during this time because it's in between treatments, which is cool. Hopefully I'll be able to enjoy myself. No drinking (boring), only one and a half cups of coffee per day (boring) and trying not to think about the thing that I of course am thinking about. AM. I. PREGNANT.
But Hawaii will be amazing and after a couple of years of fertility treatment and losing my job and getting a new job and renovating, I think a vacation is in order. Surviving the two week wait is never easy but being in a beautiful paradise should help, right? For some reason, I'm extra hopeful this month, I've just been feeling some good vibes and the hormones this month haven't had the same awful effects they had last month. Could this all signify something? Trying not to get TOO hopeful. Well, the next entry will have all the answers. My blood test is Oct 4. (WISH ME LUCK!!) So today I went for my day 14 ultrasound and bloods. Basically, if you're doing any kind of treatment (IUI or IVF), you have to go in early in the morning and do ultrasound and blood. Then you have a consult with a nurse who tells you the progress of your cycle. I felt super clean and good this cycle, just a bit cloudy and tired. Mentally I was good.
Until this morning, which is weird because everything is going well. I went in on Saturday morning and (good news!) I'm ovulating on the left side. So they told me to come back Monday morning for B/U. That was this morning. Everything's good, my lining is good and my follicle is 2.4mm (this is the follicle that will release the egg this month, maybe even more than one egg because I'm on hormones). My hormones are surging which means that I'll ovulate tomorrow and they'll inseminate me at 11am. THIS IS ALL GOOD. So why am I a mess today? I think I'm really tired and overwhelmed and they made me buy medication that I don't need (!) ($200 worth!) and I'm sick of this and I don't want to tell my boss I have to take tomorrow off but it hurt so much last time that I couldn't possibly go to work after. Part of it might have been that this nurse prescribed progesterone to me and I really, really, really don't want to take it. I SUPER hope I don't have to take it. I don't think I can stand it. This fertility stuff is really hard. I don't know how much money I've spent, how many hours I've spent sitting in that waiting room, how many injections and blood draws and vaginal ultrasounds I've had, but it feels like way too many. 9/13/2017 0 Comments these hormones are making me tiredSo I got pretty sad the week before last. I think the hormone hangover is worse than the actual hormones. Will investigate. I just finished this cycle's hormones (femera again) and last time the side effects were diarrhea, tiredness and mood swings after the fact. This time I don't have diarrhea (small victories) but I am absolutely shattered. SO tired. It's a demanding work week and I am floating. I remember the floating feeling from last time. Like I'm here but not really here.
(If you're doing hormone treatment, don't bother complaining to women who have given birth, because they will top your symptoms with their pregnancy symptoms. Every time.) So aside from being tired, I am not overly emotional right now (actually taking the hormones made the sadness go away, strangely, I'm sure it'll be back) BUT if something emotional happens, my reaction is EXTRA (as the kids say). So I'll cry at a sad commercial or whatever. Right now my ovaries are BIG, I can feel them. Maybe this is the month?! I really try not to get my hopes up, but I definitely feel bloated down there AND maybe it's psychosomatic, but I feel it on my left side. Fingers crossed. I'm not even worried about getting pregnant so soon into the job anymore because I just want this hormone hell to be done. Even if pregnancy is another kind of hormone hell, I'm done with this one. So I have an appointment Saturday morning and the hope is that I'm ready to go, they'll have an injection for me to take Saturday night and I'll be inseminated Sunday morning (that way I won't even have to take time off work for the appointment! how fortunate would that be?!) Here's hoping this is the month! We'll officially have been trying for three years in a week or two. Would be great if this could wrap up now! Thanks, universe! 8/14/2017 0 Comments The waiting roomThere's a blackboard hanging up in the waiting area at my fertility doctors office. It says, in chalk, "I want to have a baby because...."
The answers are like, "I want to be a soccer mom! My son needs a sibling! The world needs more babies!" That one stops me. I am on hormones right now (they make my follicles grow at a faster rate, making the sperm more likely to take). They are making me an unpredictable bitch. My first thought is: "I want to have a baby because despite overpopulation and our world's dwindling resources, my biological imperative dictates that I must selfishly procreate." I don't write it next to the others. The bulletin board beside the chalkboard has so many baby pictures they're practically falling off. So many smiling babies I don't have. I guess they're supposed to show that fertility treatment works? I stave off tears. Today's appointment is for blood work and a transvaginal ultrasound. This is my third cycle of treatment- the first was IVF with my husband's sperm, the IUIs following (this is the second) are with donor sperm. I'm tired. In the past year I've lost a job, been unemployed for nine months, got a job, managed a renovation and done three cycles of fertility treatment. Tired is an understatement. We're out of money and I'd love a vacation. Our vacation money is spent on hormones that make me cry for no reason and Donor 9749's sperm. Even though I hate the baby pictures everywhere, they keep me on the hook. Invested in the pot. We've already put so much into this. How could we stop now? (Are they selling us false hope?) The ultrasound shows that my right follicles have grown faster than my left. The problem? My left fallopian tube is blocked. I cry (for the third time today - and it's only 8:30am). The nurse says that even though our chances for this cycle have lessened, it's still worth doing. (Is it, though? Maybe... you hear about people getting pregnant in weirder circumstances than a medicated IUI cycle...) Each IUI cycle costs us $1500. Cheaper than what IVF would cost (probably around $25,000 for us in our circumstances). We can decide to switch to IVF at any time. I'd have to take my pension out and that wouldn't fully cover it. We're willing to risk it this cycle. What's another $1500 while I'm still 36? Each month my chances dwindle slightly. I might not even be ovulating on the left side this time, we have to wait another couple days to find out. If I'm not, this cycle is lost (we don't have to pay the $1500, though, we'll have paid for the meds, which are only about $200). I'll let you know how it goes. 8/7/2017 0 Comments back on the wagonYou knew I couldn't stay away long, eh?
So, the past few months have been pretty full on. We finished our reno (yay!), I started my new job (yay!) and I've been generally just trying to relax and be healthy. The plan was always to start treatment again after being in my job for three months and my three month anniversary is this week. Lo and behold, I got my period a few days ago and just like that, I'm back on the fertility treatment train. Or wagon. Or whatever. This will be an IUI cycle if all works out. I mentioned that I didn't enjoy the Clomid side effects to my doctor a while ago and we decided to go with Femera this cycle. My side effects are supposed to be better than on Clomid and apparently Clomid is coming off the market soon. I've been taking it since Day 3 (Friday, today's Monday). On Saturday, I felt nauseous. Yesterday I felt pretty anxious and revved up, especially at night when I took it. Today I woke up late (it's a bank holiday here) feeling really drugged up. I'm tired and a bit blurry. Luckily this I only take this for five days. I anticipate that I'll also need a trigger shot when the time comes. I go back for monitoring on day 13 or 14 (I forget) and if I'm ovulating on the left side (right side's blocked), then I'll probably do the trigger shot and be inseminated the next day. Being back at the clinic made me instantly sad and irritable. I snapped at the nurse (who was a bitch, but still). I am so, so sick of this shit. I just want to be normal. I made an appointment with a therapist that deals with infertility specifically. I feel... ugh. I don't know how people do back to back IVF cycles. It's a lot to put your body through and if you have a job, well... God bless you. Sounds like hell. These hormones really affect me and I'm just taking them for five days. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing to my long term health with all the shit I've been putting in my body. It can't be healthy. But I really want a baby, so.... I'm turning 37 in a few weeks. How did that happen? My late 30s, officially. I really hope I get pregnant soon. Getting pregnant this soon into my job will be hard but I guess I'm in a tricky position. SIGH! Why can't things be easier?? 4/21/2017 1 Comment Another month, another one of theseUgh. The disappointment sinks in. I tried to convince myself I didn't care this time. Either way was fine with me! If I wasn't pregnant, I'd start my new job and focus on that, so it was a win-win.
I remember when I was applying for university. I applied to two great programs and couldn't decide which one to do. A woman, a mentor type, said to me, "Why don't you wait to see which one you get into first?" It was good advice. I only got into one. She was right! Instead of worrying myself about which choice to make, I should have just chilled. Same situation here. I was so worried about telling my new boss at my new job that I was already pregnant, I worried about it every day. Well, not a problem. It's been years. Years and years. Waiting, trying, tests and injections and bloodwork and appointments and time. All that time. Waiting rooms and sitting on the couch and putting my life on hold. Again and again. And another month, another negative pregnancy test. I know this was my first IUI and it takes three to get the best results. But fuck, man. I should mention I don't get my official results until Tuesday, which is a Monday test. Three days away. So I guess I could still be pregnant. They tell you not to take an early test. But I took a fancy Clearblue early detection test, sooo. It's most likely right. Sigh. Disappointment. 4/6/2017 0 Comments clomid, my foeSo tomorrow is my ultrasound. I'm nervous because I have one blocked fallopian tube, which means if I ovulate on the wrong side (the right side), then this cycle is wasted. My left side is the good one. I'm sooo sick of being on hormones at this point. It's very disruptive. So I took Clomid for 5 days (starting on day 3 of my cycle) and I am still suffering the side effects. For me, the biggest things are not being able to sleep and these horrible headaches. It's very annoying. So if I lose this cycle, it's a waste of taking all these hormones. And I have suffered for nothing! Argh. So fingers crossed we're good to go. Updates tomorrow.
3/28/2017 0 Comments the eagle has landed (part 2)Yeah, science! To be honest, I'm not that revved up about this cycle, I think I'm just so tired and hormonal that my energy is very low. That being said, we started IUI #1 (hopefully the last!) yesterday when I got my period. My baseline ultrasound is tomorrow along with bloodwork. To throw a wrench in the plans, I have one blocked tube so the hope is that I ovulate on the side that's open.
I'll be taking Clomid starting tomorrow, which I'm feeling a bit worried about because I feel like I've already been so down since the progesterone. It's been really difficult to motivate myself since then and I've been very weepy and down. I really think it's the progesterone. So I'm hoping the Clomid doesn't mess my head up too much because god, how much more can I take?? (From a Harvard newsletter article: "Clomid, frequently prescribed because it improves ovulation and increases sperm production, may cause anxiety, sleep interruptions, mood swings, and irritability in women. (These side effects have not been documented in men.) Other infertility medications may cause depression, mania, irritability, and thinking problems." ) I think I can handle anxiety if that's all it is, but the depression cause by the progesterone was the worst thing of all for me. Oh, and I sent my cousin a message to say congrats on the pregnancy and she told me that after her mc, she's on progesterone now. So I got a reminder that you have no idea what other people are going through. Good to remember. Hopefully tomorrow goes well! 3/25/2017 0 Comments a baby-free weekToday was tough. I went to a bridal shower and my sister was there with my new little niece. It's hard to explain to people who haven't dealt with infertility that you don't want them to NOT have babies but sometimes babies or pregnancy announcements make you sad. My cousin, who told me she'd had a miscarriage while I was going through IVF, is pregnant now. I was holding my three month old niece while my sister and cousin talked about pregnancy. My cousin didn't tell me she was pregnant.
It was just sad for me. Happy for them! Sad for me. Not to mention the hormones coursing through / leaving my body. I spent Friday afternoon with a friend who went through two rounds of IVF and some IUI. She started treatment when she was my age. None of the fertility treatments worked but she and her partner ended up having two kids on their own. It was really nice. She brought her baby with her. A friend of mine lives around the corner. She has a 16-month-old. I hang out with her a few times a week. Another friend lives a few blocks away. Her little one is almost 2. And so on. I spend a LOT of time with babies. For the most part I love them. I really do. I think babies are amazing creatures. Little humans, learning at a crazy pace, becoming more like us, becoming themselves. But today was my limit for a while I think. So I'm going to do a baby-free week this week. It will also be the first week of my new cycle. I'm also pledging to do mind-body related thing for an hour for myself every day (meditation, exercise, yoga, etc) this week. |
AuthorCall me M. The About page should lower those expectations of yours. Archives
November 2017
CategoriesAll Celebrities Clomid Femera Fertility Hormones Infertility IUI IVF Male Infertility Mental Health Mindfulness TWW |