2/28/2017 0 Comments on to iuiIsn't that pic sexy? That's how we're going to make a baby.
We saw the doctor today for a post-mort. She recommends going forward with donor sperm and doing IUI. We are understandably sad. Even though we kind of knew this was where things were going, it still sucks to hear that we won't have a child that's biologically ours. If we did IVF again, the results would probably be the same. So next time I get my period, I'll call the clinic and then I'll start taking pills. They'll monitor me to make sure I'm ovulating on the right side (one of my tubes is blocked) and that not too many follicles are ... ready? big? I don't know. If there are too many follicles, we'll stop. (We don't want to have triplets.) So, yeah. That's what we're doing.
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2/27/2017 0 Comments ivf #1 failI've tried to write this post so many times. What to say? How to say it? How honest should I be? I struggle with an anxiety disorder and the worst thing for someone with anxiety is uncertainty. We live in one of the most uncertain times ever. Politically, societally, everything is uncertain right now. Anything could happen. It is a scary time to be on the crux of anything especially if you have studied history and can see the glaring similarities between our present situation and, say, the 1930s.
This is also the most uncertain time in my life. A time where I feel absolutely out of control. I think any bad diagnosis will do that. I read somewhere that those struggling with infertility suffer the same amount of stress as cancer patients. I don't know if that's true, but it doesn't feel good. It's crushing at times. You see, in my younger days I would have checked out of this scenario months ago. I'd have moved country or at least city. I'd have started anew. Now I'm married and the geopolitical situation isn't so hot and I bought a house right before I lost my job and I need medical treatment and I am forced to deal with the situation I'm presented with. No shortcuts, no running away. Just staying and dealing. Maybe that in itself is a gift. Maybe that is the lesson. I'm in the country that others are trying to run to (lucky) and I'm okay. There is no flight so I am left with fight- it's all I have. I don't have a baby. Yet. But I probably will. I have options. We have options. We'll see the doctor tomorrow and see what she says. I don't know if we can do this again. 2/17/2017 0 Comments ivf: is it worth it?So right now I'm a few days away from finding out if the embryo implanted. If it worked, I'm pregnant right now (!) If it didn't, then we are back to square one. So, because we only had one embryo make it, I've been thinking about what we'll do if this one didn't take. Our case is quite rare - my husband has azoospermia (which only affects 1% of men) and he was able to have micro tese surgery. We've been really lucky to be in Toronto, where there are some of the best urologists in the world. But the sperm that was retrieved from the surgery is still a bit abnormal and less likely to fertilize than "normal" sperm. So it's not the same as men who are having fertility challenges with low sperm count or low mobility. My husband has one or two sperm rather than millions. (3 million is considered low.)
Keeping that in mind, our chances for fertilization are going to be lower. (I also have endometriosis and a blocked tube, so that doesn't help with our chances with IUI.) Before I did IVF, I have to admit, I heard that it was hard, but I didn't really understand what that meant. Because not a lot of people talk about the ins and outs of what makes it so hard. I thought it was mainly emotionally hard, I didn't fully understand the physical challenges. Honestly, if I had to go back and do it again, I TOTALLY would have done IVF because we wanted to exercise every single option available to us to have a child that was biologically ours. We are also completely open to having a donor as a second option because we want a baby more than anything else in the world. But having gone through it once and knowing how this went, I am considering not doing this again because of how difficult it is. That is me saying this during the dreaded TWW, one of the most difficult parts of IVF. So maybe I'll reconsider later, I'm not sure. We've both invested so much and been through so much that I know whatever we decide will be the right decision. PROS Having a baby. At the end of the day, this is the only pro of IVF. And it's such a big pro and so important, it might outweigh all else for you. CONS Physical Yes, this will be different for everyone. But I think most of the things I've experienced are common byproducts of IVF. Each symptom ranges from mildly unpleasant to painful, but what I've learned is that a series of unpleasant things all lumped together make up a really physically treacherous experience. - Weight gain (this I knew about before). It's really hard for me. - Constipation (caused by my injections). It's painful. - Invasiveness. This one was a lot harder for me than I thought it would be. The transvaginal ultrasounds, the blood draws, the procedures (the sonohysterogram remains THE WORST thing, to be honest, and that was just the test where they pump air into your fallopian tubes to check if they're blocked. That was pre-IVF)... near the end I was beginning to feel a piece of meat. Emotional/Psychological This stuff really messes with your head. It's already an incredibly emotional time for us, add in a hormone cocktail and it multiplies. It isn't the crazytown I thought it would be (I thought I'd be throwing dishes at J's head, ha) but for me, it's more like PMSing for weeks. Since I started the progesterone (which you take after egg retrieval), I've been way more emotional and prone to bursting into tears at random as well as getting really angry for no reason. The progesterone made me really, really sad. It fluctuates day to day. The uncertainty, for me, is the hardest part. The shock of having only one embryo to transfer was such a huge disappointment that I wish I'd been more prepared for. I did very little research about the risks and chances before starting because I didn't want it to worry myself unnecessarily. Financial Even though we had a funded cycle AND got our meds through insurance (which was worth probably about $12k give or take a couple thousand dollars), we spent a lot of money. We'll get some back through tax, but not that much. Which is fine, we were definitely prepared to make some financial sacrifices. Doing this again means that we'd be paying out of pocket. It would cost somewhere in the neighbourhood of $15k. The Odds Using this online IVF predictor tool (which in my opinion, is completely flawed... like most things, it accounts for several causes of female infertility but only gives ONE option for male infertility), it gives us a 30% chance of getting pregnant. If this round is unsuccessful, my chances go are 23%. If I miscarry during this round, my chances are 21%. I don't know how my miscarriage a few years ago contributes to these odds. I can only assume that it makes our chances slightly lower on this round. 2/14/2017 0 Comments pupo.PUPO. In fertility land, PUPO stands for pregnant until proven otherwise. It's sort of a battle cry that you can't understand until an embryo made of your DNA and your partner's DNA (or a donor's DNA in which you're heavily invested) has been put inside you. A lot of women search for signs of pregnancy after transfer (just google "after transfer"). I'm not really into that, mainly because I did it for so long when we were trying. The truth is, if you're on several hormones, it's going to create side effects that are like pregnancy. Sore boobs, bloat, etc etc.
Really you just don't know until the blood test. Mine is in a week from today, which is more manageable than the two weeks I thought it would be. I really liked this post about the day by day after transfer, which I actually don't know is scientifically accurate. But it's hard to find a timeline. Otherwise, I'm feeling SO much clearer today. Not overly happy, but not really sad. Just fine. Which is nice. Just going to relax and keep busy with other stuff. Heyyy everybody. Today's the day after my egg transfer. I am not feeling good at all. It's hard to goad yourself into feeling happy or positive or relaxed or calm when you're not only going through a really tough time but you're also being pumped full of hormones. Right now I'm on progesterone, which has a laundry list of side effects. Most noticeable are bloating, mood swings and irritability for me. So, today I'm EXTRA sensitive to the bullshit behaviour of others. Especially my sister, who I've mentioned many times had a baby two months ago and will not stop fucking sending me pictures of her baby ALL DAY LONG without EVER ONCE asking me how I'm doing/ how IVF is going. So I thought this would be the perfect time to help you figure out how to be sensitive to your friend or relative struggling with infertility.
1. ASK ME HOW IT'S GOING. I've been doing this IVF cycle for a couple weeks now and I can't tell you how many people (that know about it of course) have left me to my own devices. Some of these same people (not even just my sister) have sent me pictures of their babies. I have no problem with my friends and family being happy and getting pregnant and having babies, but sending someone going through an intensive health treatment a picture of your healthy cute baby and not even asking them how treatment is going? That's cold, dude. For real. At one point a friend sent me a pic of "what I'm doing right now" with a baby and I sent back a pic of my injections. Here's what I'M doing right now! (emoji) (That friend never wrote back or asked how IVF was going.) Just sending an unsolicited pic of your baby during IVF treatment shall henceforth be known as a hit and run. (Image writing someone an email about how you're doing and never including a "How are you?" line) IVF treatment is a daily reminder that you don't have a baby. A good friend of mine (who has a baby) called me today just to see how I am, and I so appreciated her taking the time to check in. Then I asked and heard all about her baby, who I love, by the way. It's more about sensitivity rather than me being jealous of people with babies. 2. DON'T SUGGEST TREATMENTS / PLANS TO ME. IE Why don't you adopt? Why, thanks, that had never occurred to me. No, but really, don't you want to give a home to a kid who really needs it? Isn't it a bit selfish to take up all this resource on the plant with your silly need to have a baby when you could be helping someone who really needs help? Hey, thanks for your worldview, but not only is it super condescending, I'm assuming you haven't done much research about adoption and its very real hurdles and financial implications. And if you have, then I can only assume that your worldview doesn't include people who don't have 60k to burn. Why don't YOU adopt? I'll save you the trouble - everyone ever has heard of adoption, so just assume the person knows about it already. Any treatment suggestions aren't necessary unless you're a doctor or you're someone who has gone through fertility treatment and knows something about it. I can't tell you how many people have suggested I do IUI. Yeah, thanks, that much easier and significantly cheaper treatment never came up in my research. Please don't send me your helpful fertility diet or fertility seminar or whatever else. I have Google, if I'm interested, I'll find and try it. ABOVE ALL THIS INCLUDES TELLING ME TO RELAX. Telling someone struggling to get pregnant to "relax and it'll happen" is akin to telling a single person that "it'll happen when you stop looking" or telling someone who has cancer to "relax and it'll sort itself out." Unfortunately we're past relaxation as a treatment, k? (That's not to say I haven't tried everything under the sun, from eating certain foods to acupuncture to meditation because of course I have. After having a diagnosis for years, I've tried whatever might work so your suggestion really isn't necessary.) 3. I DON'T MIND ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT IVF. What is the first stage of IVF? How does a baby get made through IVF? How much does it cost? People who I tell about the treatment have a lot of questions and that's okay. I don't mind explaining parts of the process to you at all. A lot of people ask me and then apologize immediately. Don't worry about asking questions - I'll answer them as well as I can. Please don't ask people what's causing infertility, though. If they want to tell you, they will. Believe me. (Oh, top tip, don't ask a woman, "Is it your age?" ... no one ever asks men this, do they?) 4. THIS SHIT IS PHYSICALLY RIGOROUS. The thing a lot of people don't realize about IVF is: not only is this really expensive, hard and time consuming, you're being laid on a table every other day being probed by a wand (seriously) and needles. I have bruises all over my body from injections and blood draws. I have gained a significant amount of weight and I can't do my regular exercise routine. I am on various doses of hormones at any given time during the cycle. I've been training for this for a while - exercising and eating a special diet. I cut down on caffeine significantly and gave up alcohol altogether a while ago. All of this together has been very physically demanding. Being on hormones that affect my mental state is really hard. A lot of the things that I'm going through physically mimic pregnancy, which is painfully ironic (I think this is the first time I've acknowledged it out loud). Please keep this in mind when you're talking to your friend or relative and OFFER SUPPORT. 5. IT MIGHT NOT WORK. This is a tough one. It's not something I thought about a lot before going into it, and personally, I'm glad I didn't. There's no point going into it if you don't believe there's a chance. But some people either a) Tell me it might not work (I already know that) or b) Tell me it's definitely going to work. Just leave your scientific predictions and focus on supporting your loved one in the way that s/he expresses s/he needs support. Soo I wanted to find a picture of a womb to use as the image for this post but I found some shitty pregnancy announcements that said things like "only the best parents get promoted to grandparents" (I'm sure if that was true, we really wouldn't have an overpopulation problem in the world). Now that we've established that, today was the day they put an embryo in my womb! That really happened.
Only one little guy made it, so I feel like that means he's the best guy and a fighter. I am trying to stay positive but also to think, if this guy doesn't make it, then it was self-selection and it wasn't meant to be. I wouldn't want a guy with problems to go ahead and be in pain or anything. I will leave it at that. After the only takes one mantra, we are here at one. It is scary and sad that only one made it (what if this one DOES make it but we want two?) (what if this one doesn't make it? what's our next step?) The reality of the situation is that we were very lucky to have this one round of IVF covered and the meds covered. If we want to do this again, it's $15k with a possibly similar result. I think that if we did decide to do that, I would ask that some of the eggs be implanted with donor sperm. If I could go back in time and do this again, I would have used the donor sperm for a couple of eggs. That way, we might have been left with some embryos to freeze for later - and it would have been free to transfer them. Now if we do another round privately, we'll have to pay to freeze any leftover embryos and each transfer will cost $2000. Expensive life lesson learned. Aside from that, there is an embryo inside of my womb and I got to see it go in on the little ultrasound machine and it looked like a white dot. I really really really really really hope it sticks to my lining and becomes a baby guy. It's hard to be positive when there are so many factors. Also it's kind of condescending when people keep telling you to be positive all day long when you're a rational logical person with thoughts and feelings and knowledge and statistics. So I remain hopeful and realistic. 2/10/2017 0 Comments egg update, day 3Today I did nothing barring a few admin bits. I. am. tired. And SAD. Crying. The other thing I think I forgot to mention is that after the ER procedure, I haven't been able to eat very much at once (if I do I feel sick), so I've been eating smaller snacks more often. (Somehow my pants are still tight.) Also I have to pee A LOT. And when I have to pee, if I don't do it right away, it HURTS. I told the nurse today about these symptoms and some cramps when she called but she said I sound okay. Right now I'm pretty tired, mentally, spiritually and physically. The meditation really does help. I haven't been doing acupuncture as it feels really expensive without having an income right now. I really hope that won't affect me adversely. (It would make sense to invest in it to avoid having to pay for another round for sure.)
Update! We had 4 fertilized eggs yesterday and today we have... 3! Not so bad considering. Now that I've accepted it, I asked about the quality of the eggs we have left. Three are still dividing. One is doing pretty well (it has 8 cells, right now they'd look for 5-10) and 1 is doing okay (it has 6). The third one is under 5 so not sure it will make it. I'm scheduled for my transfer on Sunday. The plan is to put 1 in and freeze the rest (1 maybe 2). I am hoping and praying so much that these 3 guys make it .... deep breaths. Then the next hurdle will be the two week wait. So our four embryos are still dividing, which is SO GREAT. I was so relieved when the clinic called with this information today and remained relieved for another five minutes. Then I started getting nervous for tomorrow. But we made it a day at least and we still have four. The call today confirmed that we will be going to a Day 5 transfer (BLASTOCYST!) ... I like the word blastocyst. It feels like POWER.
I told J how I was feeling about the eggs and donor stuff. He is such an amazing human, he was really sensitive about it. I was crying up a storm this morning. I've noticed that the birth control made me feel a lot more emotional than the stims and now the progesterone I'm on is taking the emotional cake (I wish I was eating cake right now). Today I can cry on cue. In other news, it doesn't bother me that everyone I know is pregnant or has babies but I really wish my sister would a) ask me how I'm doing with IVF and b) stop snapchatting me 18 selfies of her and her baby everyday. It's really hard to deal with some people's insensitivities during this process. I think a lot of people don't know what to say because it's a sensitive topic but really it would just be nice for people to check in. Luckily I have a support network of friends who are great people. I also can't deal with J's mom's tone deaf comments, but it's a good reminder that I was right not to tell my parents about this because they just wouldn't get it. Tonight is my meditation class, so it will be good to just spend a couple hours in that space. 2/8/2017 0 Comments egg updateI got my call this morning. The news wasn't the best: out of 16 eggs, 15 were good. 4 fertilized 4. So we have 4. The good news is that more could develop but there isn't much hope for them. This isn't the outcome I was hoping for. I have gone through so many emotions today so far, one strong emotion is regret. Regret that I didn't insist of putting a few eggs aside for the donor sperm. Mainly I didn't want to hurt J's feelings and now I really regret not trying harder to push for that outcome. But it is what it is and we have to hope for the best with these four embryos.
Of course we have a backup plan, and that is to do IUI with our donor sperm. To be honest, I'm mad at J for putting off choosing the donor so long, I feel like I was backed into the one we chose. I am trying not to judge myself for these feelings and observe them. They will pass. These feelings will pass and we will be fine. But this feels like such a massive blow for now. Statistically only 30% of embryos make it. So hopefully we end up with 2 to day 5 and the one we put in will stick and it will become our baby. I have to believe that this will work for now, I can't give up. I am still taking hormones (progesterone, vaginally) and I can't afford to lose hope right now. But goddamnit infertility is a bitch. I will repeat to myself: IT ONLY TAKES ONE. 2/8/2017 5 Comments Day after egg retrieval.Okay! My egg retrieval was yesterday and I wasn't able to write an update because I was, first off, drugged to the heavens, and secondly, in quite a bit of pain. When I got to the clinic, we were surprised by a visit to an office where we were charged $350. I didn't know there was an "administration fee" but we paid it because, well, what else could we do? We got a free cycle, so I figured we got off easy.
Then we went into the surgery area. I changed and then got an IV in my hand. That was literally the most uncomfortable part of the whole thing. I am so sick of needles and having a piece of plastic shoved into a vein in my hand was shitty. And it hurt. After a while, we went into the room where the procedure was done. As soon as they gave me the meds to "relax" me, I was all but passed out. I was conscious (it was called conscious sedation) but apparently they thought I was passed out. I could hear my doctor saying things like "you'll feel a bit of pressure on the right", et cetera. I really didn't care. I was feeling pret-ty good. (I was actually on fentanyl, which scared me because yesterday before we left there was a story on the news about the fentanyl crisis, ha.) Afterwards I was super out of it for about 20-30 minutes and as soon as I could pee, they let me go. I was feeling fine (the drugs were still in my system, which I didn't think about) and was like, pfht, this is easy! Then when I got home and woke up from my nap, I had really bad cramps. I could FEEL my ovaries. I can't explain it but I could FEEL my insides. It was weird and painful. J was great, he took care of me and ordered Thai food for dinner ;) I read somewhere that you shouldn't eat sugar for two weeks after retrieval, which is actually our regular diet (we eat sugar on "cheat day"). But I made an exception yesterday and had some carbs because I was craving them. Last night I was on extra-strength Tylenol and it was not doing the trick. But I survived. Today I woke up with considerably less cramping. I have a little bit, but it's as manageable as regular period cramps. The gross stuff? - IVF meds caused constipation. - After egg retrieval, the most painful thing was farting. And you're super bloated, so you WANT to release gas. But it hurts. - Speaking of gas, the ENTIRE time I was taking injections, I was a gas machine. No one has ever mentioned this in any of the blogs or vlogs I've read. They call it "bloating"... I've felt bloated without feeling gassy before. So I wasn't expecting it. A lot of people tell you that after ER, you'll feel so bloated it's like you're three months pregnant (whatever THAT feels like! How do all these infertile people know what it's like to be three months pregnant??). I felt that bloated BEFORE the procedure and it continued. I don't feel as bad today. Not sure if you feel that bloated because your ovaries are so big or if it actually has to do with the ER for some people. But lordy, I felt huge yesterday. Also my boobs are like planets. Just sayin. So that's it! OH, and obviously there's the matter of how many eggs we got, right? We ended up with 16 eggs! I read somewhere that 15 is the optimal amount, so 16 isn't bad. Some people want a LOT of eggs (like 20) but my nurse said it's quality, not quantity. We're really happy with that result and we're very hopeful that J's sperm is strong enough to fertilize my eggs. If it doesn't, we have donor sperm. Today we'll find out how everything went and how many eggs and sperm made it. Fingers crossed for good news! |
AuthorCall me M. The About page should lower those expectations of yours. Archives
November 2017
CategoriesAll Celebrities Clomid Femera Fertility Hormones Infertility IUI IVF Male Infertility Mental Health Mindfulness TWW |