So, they called yesterday with the progress: of the seven eggs retrieved, six were mature and four fertilized. I guess that's pretty good, but it still felt like a gut punch. I cried and tried my best to be positive. After ALL THAT, only FOUR embryos?? It was so much hard work, so much determination, so much money. And I thought we'd have more, to be honest. But I did my best to keep faith and hope going and believe that all four would make it to transfer day.
This process can be so frustrating, let me tell you. You're jacked up on hormones, you want this thing to work so bad, everyone around you is giving birth and getting pregnant all the time, and you're just doing injections and feeling like shit all the time. All the shitty feelings you get when you're pregnant, you get all that. Except you're not pregnant. AND YOU GET FAT goddammit. So, yeah, this is tough. Today's call was great, though, because we learned that all four are still going strong, they're all multiplying and doing well. Transfer will be Sunday and I'm going to try to work from home on Monday to just let myself breathe a bit. But the good news is that we still have four. Listen, if we ended up with four great embryos, I'd be happy. We could transfer two this time and two the next time. And have babies and a family, and that's all I've ever wanted. Something that I've found helpful during this stressful time is to meditate and visualize the embryos doing well, sending them love and nurturing. It might sound strange, but I'm finding it better than that Mindful IVF app I wrote about a few days ago, which actually is stressing me out. Because instead of focusing on relaxing, I'm stressing about things.
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12/6/2017 0 Comments day after egg retrievalDeep breaths. I'm trying to be relaxed and positive. A few days ago, I found out I only had 7-10 follicles and would only get 10 eggs, max. This was disappointing to me, because last time I had 16 eggs, which is pretty close to the best amount you can get (15). The nurse reassured me that a lower amount of eggs means that you are getting a better quality egg, but I don't know, since I read that 15 is the best number.
Right now, I'm just trying to stay positive and hope that all seven fertilize (even though that is very optimistic). The goal is to have two great embryos to put in (since I'm 37... and paying for this myself) on day five and some to freeze for later. So, I was planning on going to work today because the nurse said I would be fine to go in, just a bit sore. But I did not feel fine after the retrieval, it hurt a lot! I had trouble walking and mainly slept and watched TV in bed. I woke up a few times in the night to pee and take more Tylenol (the only painkiller you're allowed) and decided to take the day (well, work from home). I started my progesterone suppositories this morning, these were the most brutal meds I took last time because they made me sad. But if I get a baby, it's worth it!! So nervous about today's call but doing my best to relax. I'll check in with the results when I can. 11/30/2017 0 Comments an IVF resource & something funHeeeyy. Not much of an update today. I started Ganirelix last night (so instead of doing two injections, I am doing three) which means we're a little more than halfway through injections! Phew. I find injections get more difficult as you go because you have to find new injection sites on your abdomen (which is full of past injections sites). Also you get more and more bloated / bigger in the belly as time goes on. Today I'm wearing a dress I happened to have that's a size bigger than normal and I just feel incredibly self-conscious about how big my belly is. I'm sure no one cares/has noticed but it FEELS big. Also I'm gassy AF. Top tip! You will be gassy AF if you do IVF.
So I thought I'd share some coping mechanisms with you for this post. When I did my first round of IVF, I wrote a few posts on mindfulness and other stuff I was doing for self care. Those still hold true but I have a couple more things to say on the topic: How to Buy a Baby If you want to watch a comedy about IVF (I challenge you to find one), you have some limited options. I did, however enjoy CBC Comedy's web series "How to Buy a Baby". It's centered around a couple not unlike me and J. They're doing IVF with donor sperm. It's pretty funny and I found a lot of parallels in terms of how I'm feeling (with a bit of poetic license to make it entertaining). I binged it all in one day. Mindful IVF Speaking of mindfulness, I found this app the other day (so well into my cycle). It gives you specific meditations for each stage of IVF, from when you start the birth control pill until embryo transfer day. There are also other meditations that I haven't explored. It's pretty good, I've been using it every night for five nights and it's calming and reassuring. This is on top of my nightly viewing party of Terrace House, Aloha State, aka the best reality show EVER MADE. I definitely recommend have a very light TV show on hand for evenings. Watching stressful TV isn't great when you're already super stressed in your everyday life. I watch it while I'm having my nightly mint tea. Off to put on soft pants, byyyye. 11/29/2017 0 Comments happy little ovariesSo I thought I'd update while I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good today, which is a vast improvement on yesterday. Yesterday I was alternating between nausea, hot flashes, farts galore and just a general rage. Today feels smooth and fine. I've managed to cut down on caffeine a LOT over the past few days. I'm down to half a cup of caffeinated coffee per day. Yesterday I only had a caffeinated tea, actually. I felt so rough yesterday after my morning smoothie, I've decided to take a break from smoothies altogether and stick to eggs in the morning. (JOKE: How do you like your eggs? Fertilized! Ha.)
Speaking of which, I had my blood/ultrasound appointment this morning. This are looking good, I have some good follies growing. (I responded well last time, so the doctor thinks I should be good this time. She said I'm an overachiever, ha.) I probably have to start ganirelix today, that stops me from ovulating because things in my body WANT to happen. We need them to wait. The nurse also said that my retrieval could be as early as Monday. It's a bit awkward to schedule because I haven't told my boss that I'm doing IVF, so I just told him I have "surgery" planned but I haven't been able to tell him the day. He's probably wondering why surgery wouldn't be a fixed date. But fuck, who wants to tell their younger male boss about their fertility issues? At a job they've only been in for 7 months? Not me. He doesn't really ask, but I can tell he wants to know what's going on. And now for: THE ART OF SAYING NO The art of saying no is integral to master if you are going through IVF (or perhaps another kind of medical treatment). Of course it's easier to say no and then give IVF as your reason, but if you don't want to share what you're going through, it can get tricky. I spent a long time (years) not telling anyone about our fertility struggle. And there are still many people I've chosen to not share with about it, mainly for professional reasons (see above). But there was a time when I didn't even tell my family what was going on at all. Then I was forced to tell them when I started missing important events (family parties, etc) to stay home and do injections. (SIDE NOTE: It's okay, recommended, even, to not make plans in the evenings you're doing injections. I do not go out when I have injections that night, it's too much fuss/stress for me to carry around syringes with me.) Now, if I'm going through treatment, I tell people that I can't make their party/dinner/our plans because I'm having a bad reaction to the meds or I have injections scheduled. They (usually) get it. Sometimes they don't get it - some of my family don't understand what IVF is and how much time/energy it sucks away. And for those people, I say, too bad. I am not upsetting my treatment to go on a family vacation or a birthday party. And that's that. I've decided not to feel bad, not to wring my hands wondering what people must think (even the people who don't know what I'm going through) because who has time? Who has room for ANOTHER thing to worry about? I already have an office baby shower to attend. Y'know? 11/27/2017 0 Comments work, emotes and carbsSo I'm on day whatever (I have lost track, things are going downhill very quickly) of this thing and I just scarfed down THREE TIMBITS and THEY WERE SO GOOD. I was like YASSSSS DONUTS.)
Actually, I'm on day 3 of injections. I had the hysteroscopy last week, which I didn't expect to be so official (as a procedure). It was harder than I thought and I went right home after instead of going back to work. That was last Monday, I stopped taking birth control on Tuesday. I started a period that day and had a few days off from appointments and meds. I started the injections (Gonal F and Menopur) on Saturday night. We decided on a new routine, which I think works so much better for me: J gets the meds all ready for me before I even get into the kitchen, where we do the injections. I ice up my abdomen about ten minutes before, pop into the kitchen, give myself the injections and then go sit on the couch, and J brings me a mint tea. I find this a lot more relaxing than before, when I'd participate in mixing the meds because I felt selfish not helping. It actually made me quite nervous to see everything happening with the needles and I feel a lot more relaxed just getting it done really quickly. It's been better in that way, but I've been feeling a lot more emotional this time. I think the reason behind that is partly because this time, I'm at work while doing the process of IVF. When I did my first round, I was looking for work and attending a weekly meditation course (while doing an hour of meditation each day). I mean, nothing is stopping me from meditating every now right now (I really need to start), but working and dealing with all the emotions that come along with this process is a challenge. I'm only on my third day of stims so my tummy isn't too bloated, but in about a week, I'll be so bloated. I won't feel like doing anything. And OH LORD, the carbs craving is SO crazy right now. ARGH. I gave in with the timbits. BUT I have been drinking tons of water, so that's good. That's about it. I find this part of the process pretty anti-climactic, actually. Mainly because you think you'll be feeling it more. But, as I said, in about a week, I'll definitely be feeling it. My next appointment is Wednesday (B/US) and I'll have an update on how things are looking. I feel okay right now, and I'm really glad about my decision to not make any plans and just go home straight after work and chill out. I ordered a meal kit service (Hello Fresh) and J does the cooking. I thought about hiring a cleaner for a few weeks, but it hasn't come to that yet. (I think that's best saved for when I'm on the progesterone. I have no idea how people do this when they have a kid running around.) Anyway, I'll check in again soon! 11/20/2017 0 Comments lord you are testing meSo today was my first ultrasound after taking BCP for two weeks. I take my last pill tonight and take a few days off to relax before starting injections on Saturday. OH and FUN! Today I have a hysteroscopy which is going to be not fun. Even less fun - today's the day we pay for the cycle.
Here's how much it'll be this round: IVF cycle fee: $8500 ICSI: $1500 Admin fee: $350 We've already paid for the donor sperm, which was a cool $860 when all was said and done. So that's $10350 today. This weekend, we went to see our financial advisor, who told me to take the fee out of my TFSA (OUCH) instead of paying for it on my credit card and paying that off aggressively (totally my plan). I understand why I have to do it this way, but it sucks to see your savings dwindle away. That being said, I am going to pay directly into my TFSA going forward and hopefully pay it all back over the next few months. If this cycle isn't successful, don't even ask me what our next step is (financially) because I do not know. SIGH. I'm trying to be positive but it's a challenge after a full year of hormones. Speaking of, I have ZERO PATIENCE for people today I literally want to punch people. (Trying to maintain patience, trying to maintain patience....) 11/10/2017 0 Comments what a time!I've been super busy, so I haven't updated with the news that we started the November cycle! I started birth control on Monday (today is Friday), so I've been on it for 4.5 days now. I don't know if it's residual hormones, the new BCP (birth control pills) or a mixture of both, but I am emotional AF today. I have been fighting off tears for the last hour and a half. It's what I call a "crying day" and I usually can keep my emotions in check during the workday, but today I'm really struggling.
Sometimes I wonder if there's a positive to being this emotional - maybe I'm just super in touch with my feels right now. Maybe it should fuel some kind of artistic endeavor. Philosophical questions for another time, I guess. So the process goes something like this: Nov 4 - Day 1 Nov 6 - Day 3, start hormones (BCP) Nov 20 - monitoring starts (u/s), take last BCP Nov 25 - Assigned Day 3, start injections (Gonal+Menopur) Nov 29 - Start stims (stimulates ovulation) Dec 2 - Day 10, B/US (blood + ultrasound), this is when we start monitoring to see when I'm ready for retrieval. This could be the day I take my trigger shot, which means egg retrieval will be the next day (which would be great, because it's a Sunday and I wouldn't have to take the day off!) Five days after egg retrieval, (about that), we put two embryos back in my uterus and that's how I get PREGNANT! Very exciting. This will be the one. This will be the one. Now, to get through this day of meetings without bursting into tears. 10/31/2017 0 Comments oh my gerdSo, the stress is getting to me. I can tell because the telltale symptoms of GERD started to rear their ugly head this evening. That's pretty much when your stomach acid creeps up your esophagus. It's pretty uncomfortable and it happens to me when I'm seriously stressed. So, here's what's happening:
The stakes are high, we need this round to work because we'll be out of money and I'm getting older. The financial stresses are really adding up. J says, "But we have money coming in" ... Sure, but I really like to have savings tucked away. I know that a lot of people are in debt and don't have savings, but I grew up poor and am basically a squirrel with nuts hidden everywhere for winter. What I don't want is no savings. What if something bad happens?! Plus, I'm really worried that going through IVF will make me less effective at my job... and my job is challenging. I want a challenging a job, yes. But this is a pretty big job. I know I can do it, but it doesn't leave much time for processing emotions outside of work (I deal with a lot of people when they're at their most irate). I'm almost disappointed in myself for not being better at dealing with all of this. I went to a party this weekend - I did NOT want to go, it was a family party and I felt obliged. I broke down in tears in the middle of the party and had to leave (smooth). It was an excellent reminded to not force myself to do things, despite other peoples' expectations of me. Speaking of which: next post will be WHEN YOUR FAMILY SUCKS AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR FERTILITY JOURNEY. 10/25/2017 0 Comments ivf: round two, good to goThe process of walking into the fertility clinic is always an emotional thing. Every round gets heavier. That's the best way to describe it. The hope you had at the start of the process, the ignorance of success rates, the brightness - that's gone now in favour of being weary. Knowing that the odds are against you. But something inside makes you want to keep going. This biological need for a baby.
Today's appointment was to get everything set up. We had an appointment with a junior doctor and then the big honcho, our doctor. She's the best fertility doctor in Toronto (last time I checked). She was the judge. It was up to her. She said she understood why we wanted to go ahead with IVF - I'm 37, we've been doing this for years, the success rates are higher, et cetera. She recommended ICSI so we'd only have to buy one vial of donor sperm. That adds another $1500 to the cost of the procedure, but I didn't realize we'd need more than one vial, so each vial would have been another $760 a pop. Procedures are adding up (have been for a while) and the financial stress has really been weighing on me. Renos aren't cheap, being unemployed didn't help and did decide to go on vacation (which, fuck, we needed). Aside from the finances, the hormone mood swings peppered with genuine sadness, the new job, the house, everything everything everything, I'm just... tired. I'm gearing up, training, getting ready. This is a physical feat, an emotional feat. I gotta get ready. I can do this. We can do this. This one HAS to work. 10/24/2017 0 Comments We have an appointment!There was a cancellation at my doctor's office and we have an appointment tomorrow afternoon! This is great news because we needed one before my next cycle, which is due to start next week. IVF will commence soon! I happy because waiting another month for all this shit sounded like torture to me. Plus, I wanted to start in November so I could make use of the December time off to recover and be sad (the progesterone is a bitch).
Almost a YEAR after our first IVF cycle, I'll do the second cycle. I'm scared and excited. This must work because a) it's all our money and b) it must must must. I can't DO this anymore, you know? It's all too much. Also I'm getting older and the chances of things working gets slimmer every month. This time will be different because I'm working full time and I have to balance that with treatment. I have a meeting with my boss today and I have to convey to him that I'll have some medical appointments coming up and will have to miss a few days of work. SIGH. I wish I could just tell him the truth but I just can't. Anyway... time to embark on this thing again and spend all our money and hopefully come out the other end with a baby. Fingers crossed. |
AuthorCall me M. The About page should lower those expectations of yours. Archives
November 2017
CategoriesAll Celebrities Clomid Femera Fertility Hormones Infertility IUI IVF Male Infertility Mental Health Mindfulness TWW |