So, I guess part of this whole pregnancy thing is admitting that it's scary and sad and shitty. It's not something I hear a lot of people talking about and although I've seen message boards and Facebook groups that acknowledge it, it's kind of crazy that it's not a regular topic of discussion. People also don't seem like to hear about it. Part of my ignorance around how hard pregnancy is can be attributed to my own unwillingness to listen, for sure. And for that, I'm sorry. Because being pregnant - at least from what I've experienced, sucks balls! I've been living through a lot of unpleasantness for the past three months and to be honest, this week has been especially tough. Not just because my symptoms have gotten worse, but because I'm so FUCKING SICK of it! I know it's supposed to wear off soon, but I've heard stories from other people that they felt shitty the ENTIRE time they were pregnant! And it's worse with twins. So. (If you're wondering, I'm feeling super nauseous all day long, tired AF, emotional overall, sometimes dizzy and I have shortness of breath when I do anything physical, like walking up a lot of stairs. Also, I feel very fuzzy for a big chunk of the day.) This week, J and I went for an ultrasound at the clinic and because twins are smaller than singletons, they couldn't do all the measurements, so I have to go back next week for another round. I was upset because I got it in my head that the babies aren't growing enough, but I know that it's just because they're twins and it's normal. It's just... all very emotional. Also, I am not quite sure how far along I am. Am I 11 weeks or 12 weeks? I haven't seen my OB yet, and I've had different people tell me different things. They're going on how long the babies are but officially I will 12 weeks on Tuesday. This past Tuesday, they told me I'm 11.9 days pregnant, whatever THAT means! Who can say? Because we had the scan and we could see the heartbeats and the babies were wiggling around, I decided to start telling people. I would have preferred to wait longer, but I'm self conscious about how big my belly is and if people can tell I'm pregnant. My belly is small at the beginning of the day and blows up like a balloon by the time I get my coat on to go home. Apparently this is normal and is mostly bloating, but I have to be careful what I wear if I want to hide it. So I gave up and told everyone at work yesterday. Several people told me they already knew, so there you go. I have tried to be very open about the fact that I did IVF, because I think it's important to normalize it. So far, most people I've told have related with stories of their own or stories of close friends and family members who have gone through fertility treatment. That's my favourite part of telling people! It's heartening to be able to share that with people because I think awareness of infertility is really important. I've found Whitney Port's vlog to be helpful - she's very honest! Take a look: I love my baby, but I hate my pregnancy Kristen Bell's Momsplaining web series is also pretty funny and there's one episode about pregnancy: #PregnancyRealness Enjoy!
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1/29/2018 0 Comments 10 weeks pregnant with twinsPart of this pregnancy has been disbelief. We tried for so long that getting a positive wasn't that reassuring - spend enough time on fertility message boards and you'll realize that miscarriage is very common. This fear stays with you if you've already had a loss. So, to be honest, I haven't really let it seep in that I'm going to have two babies on an emotional level. On a purely logical level, I've already started planning our finances in anticipation that we have two new family members coming along. But yesterday when I went to look at some maternity clothes, I stopped by the baby clothing section at H&M and saw the cutest little outfit and I broke out in tears. Because it's finally happening. I am going to have TWO babies. I read that now I've hit the 10 week mark (tomorrow, really), chances of miscarriage are less than 3%. I'll take those odds. Also the debilitating morning sickness indicates that the pregnancy is healthy.
Here's what I've been dealing with: 10 weeks - I have two babies, both the size of a strawberry Morning sickness - It just keeps getting worse, today trying to navigate lunch was a big ask (I opted for chicken fingers and fries... again) Weight gain - I don't actually weigh myself, so I'm not sure, but I have started wearing maternity pants because my regular pants don't button comfortably anymore. I should have gained 10 pounds by now (a pound per week), but I don't know. Speaking of maternity clothes, I went to the Eaton's Centre yesterday and only ONE store (Thyme Maternity) sells maternity clothes. That seems rather strange to me. Old Navy, Gap and Topshop have maternity lines but you can only order online. I find this incredibly annoying. Another annoyance is that I'm in the weird stage before I start showing, so I just look fat. I don't want to break out giant maternity tops yet (because right now, they just look like unfashionably long tops) but I am sick of wearing "flowy" clothes that frankly make me look like I've been on a one woman quest to pack on a bunch of weight. I guess there are worse things, but it's annoying. This week I've also been grappling with when to tell my boss the news. I'm pretty sure I'm going to start showing soon, so I should tell him, but I won't be 12 weeks for another 2 weeks. The fact that I'm having twins changes things, too ... I'll have more doctor's appointments than normal, starting next week. I'm thinking of letting him know tomorrow - will update with how it goes! So, I promised to do a post about my symptoms. I haven't had a real pregnancy so far (the loss was only around 4-5 weeks, so I didn't have real symptoms back then), so I really have nothing to compare this to. That being said, here are my symptoms so far:
The good news is that tonight is my last progesterone suppository (thank GOODNESS). I am hoping that my emotions will be a little more even keel (I know I'm pregnant, but I'm pregnant AND on hormones). Who can say? Maybe I'll remain coo-coo. I'll let you know. The bad news is that the doctor called, and based on my tests I have a UTI (lovely) AND my thyroid levels are too high. I have to take antibiotics for the infection, unfortunately. Never a dull moment! 1/9/2018 0 Comments holy shit it's twinsSo um *gulp* we had our 7 week ultrasound yesterday. The doctor doing the ultrasound said, "So there are TWO pregnancies here!" I was overcome by joy to hear that there was a baby with a strong heartbeat in there, let alone TWO babies! We heard both heartbeats and got our ultrasound pictures. My immediate response was to cry and give J a hug. There wasn't a lot of time to process as we were ushered into the nurse's room where we were told we'd need a follow up ultrasound next week at the hospital.
"You look pretty similar to everyone who just found out they're about to have twins," the nurse told us. "You beat the odds!" Sidenote: we did?? What were the odds? Perhaps it might have been wise, maybe, to, um, research these odds. I don't know. We were sitting in that exact same room with our doctor, the director of the fertility clinic. She asked us, point blank, "Are we putting two embryos in?" J and I looked at each other. "Should we?" She explained that the chances might be better if we put two embryos in because I was already 37. We decided to put two in - here was my reasoning: IVF is a son of a bitch to do. The needles, the effects of the hormones, the appointments. We'd already done one round with no success, and several rounds of IUIs. I was desperate to have a baby and, at 37, I saw my chances dwindle with the passing of each month. If the doctor thought that putting two embryos in would increase our chances, I was game. As our treatment progressed, we found out we only had 7 eggs. My first round had produced 16. I was pretty heartbroken when I found out I'd have less than half of what I got the first time around. Even with the donor sperm, by the end of our little embryos' five days in the lab, only four had progressed and by the day of our transfer, only two had survived. The embryologist told us blastocyst was "beautiful" and one was "okay". To be honest, I said, put them both in and assumed the second one wouldn't make it (although, at the time of transfer, high on drugs, I was like... um.... should we really be doing this???). I called my embryos Chloe and Joey and we hoped for the best. To be honest, after going through several cycles (one round of IVF, two IUIs to completion and one IUI that was cancelled because I was ovulating on the wrong side) and trying for so long, I wasn't expecting to be pregnant this time. I'd read so many heartbreaking stories from women who'd gone through round after round of IVF without success AND was so used to that terrible negative pee test followed by cramps and spotting and a negative blood test, I was conditioned to expect a negative result. I hardly believed it when I got a positive result! Even after I got a positive result, I was terrified I'd have a miscarriage, having experienced that horrible loss the only time I'd been pregnant. So, hey! We now are going to have two kids (we wanted two! and even when I found out I was pregnant, I thought, I don't think I'll do another round of IVF again - who knows if it'll work and I'll be 40 by then, etc), and I only have to be pregnant once. Although I hear being pregnant with twins is quite awful - my symptoms have been quite crazy, though I really don't have anything to compare this to. (I've been very nauseous, tired and super, super hungry- I'll do a post on my symptoms later.) That being said, I am freaking out. Like, seriously. I couldn't sleep last night. I just kept thinking "That's so many babies" (but, hey, J and I never ever do anything the easy way) I'm sure it'll all be fine and lost of people have already offered to help. I am printing up the contracts now, ha. But it'll all be okay. Just... holy shit. 1/5/2018 0 Comments still pregnant! 6 weeksHello! Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I was digesting the pregnancy news, dealing with some early symptoms and being all around shell-shocked. So I have a lot of ground to cover. According to the internet, I'm 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant and my due date is Aug 28. It still is a bit crazy to me and I am really worried a lot of the time about miscarrying. I'm finding it difficult emotionally, because I don't know very many people who've done IVF and have had a baby successfully. In fact, I think I know one - my cousin. But I just find that most people default to "being positive" when you mention any worries. It's great to have a positive attitude but the reality is that miscarriages happen and it's a real fear.
Beyond that, it's lonely in general being very early on in pregnancy, because you don't really want to tell anyone (for the above reasons). I have told quite a few people because they knew we were doing IVF and they naturally wondered how it went. I actually would prefer to keep it a secret, but I suppose you have to weigh that need against the need for support while you're going through infertility. So I've told some people and will wait to tell the rest until the 12 week mark. Symptoms! I've had symptoms for about 10 days now. The fatigue started then although if I manage to get enough rest, I'm fine. Morning sickness is sort of plaguing me - the worst of it started about three days ago, right at 6 weeks like clockwork. Apparently it peaks around 10 weeks - someone told me that so I'd feel better but I was mainly like WTF, it's going to get WORSE?! I mainly feel like a fat mess because I already gained a bunch of weight from all the fertility treatments and now I've been eating carbs like crazy to curb the nausea. (Not to mention that I'm still on hormones, which I'm sure are making me bloated AND, surprise!, first trimester pregnancy makes you constipated.) But I'm trying my best to get some fruits and veggies in though I'd rather eat bread 24/7. And not because it's pleasurable to eat (!) because if I have an empty stomach, I feel sick. I don't know how women work through this. They must be superwomen. I, however, am a crybaby mess and do not know how I'm going to do this for another 4 weeks. Apparently the second trimester is a paradise utopia filled with jelly donuts and harp playing angels, but I wonder if it just feels that way in the absence of morning sickness. I don't remember what it's like to feel like my normal non-hormonal self, all I remember is that life was more enjoyable back then. (Sigh.) That being said, we're very happy (yay!) and I am DYING to get to Monday, which is when we have our first ultrasound!!! I've found it difficult to find websites that I like to read about this whole pregnancy thing, but here are two that I've found to be best: Alpha Mom This one is very voice-y (in a good way) and doesn't bullshit. I like it because it told me to eat junk food. The Bump I really liked The Bump's offering on infertility content and the community in general. I like their week-by-week thing - it's well-written and in layman's terms. 12/20/2017 0 Comments BFP!It's positive! They called today to give me the info - the nurse said that my "levels" look good. No idea what that means, but I think it's good! I go for another blood test tomorrow and they confirm on Friday. I'm so happy. It's weird, though. It's more like being shell shocked. It's just tough to process/imagine since we've been trying for so many years. It's kind of crazy. I'm also weirded out by the miscarriage I had before... I don't want to jinx anything. But I'm starting to settle into this idea! YAY! 2018 baby!
12/19/2017 0 Comments BFP?So today is my blood test. I decided to take a test in the morning so if it was negative, I would be prepared. I had some cramps last night, too, which made me scared that I was getting my period. So I took it... and it's positive! I mean, I don't want to get ahead of myself so I'm being cautiously optimistic but THIS IS A GOOD THING!!! We've jumped the biggest hurdles. Now I just have to hold on for a few more days. Official blood test results will come in tomorrow, then I do another one on Thursday and get the results Friday. I'm feeling pretty great about this!
So, this shouldn't even be called the two week wait because it was actually a 10 day wait. So not EVEN two weeks. Just a measly week and three days. ANYONE CAN DO THAT, RIGHT?!?! Ugh. I haaate this. My blood test is tomorrow. Usually when I've had treatments before, I spot a few days before the test so I already know that it didn't work (I always spot before my period). This time, I've been nauseous, my boobs hurt, I'm tired - all possible pregnancy symptoms but also possible side effects from the massive amount of hormones I've been taking.
This round was way harder than the first for a lot of reasons: I've been working (I was at home during my first round), I haven't been meditating as much (I participated in a nine week meditation course during my first round), I only got 7 eggs this time (I had 16 the first round) and the hormones have been much more difficult to deal with (being at work probably hasn't helped with that part)... and let's face it, I'm a year older. Despite all of that, this was my best shot at treatment being successful. I have perfectly good hormone levels, am fertile and have good quality eggs. We were using donor sperm this time. We put two embryos in (one of which was "beautiful"). It was all down to my uterine lining being good (which, medically, it was) and receptive (we're about to find that part out). I FEEL like it worked this time. But that's a dangerous thing to feel, so I've been (trying to) hold back from feeling that way. ARGH, it's just so frustrating. It's not just ten days (or two weeks), it's three years. Y'know? 12/13/2017 0 Comments December 13th, 2017Today I'm a few days past transfer. I have 6 days until we test, but usually when we have treatment I get my period before the testing date, so if I don't get my period by then, I will be pretty confident that I'm pregnant. I am so nervous when I think about it, but so hopeful. I have been having cramps in my abdomen and feeling like that must be me getting pregnant! I'm not supposed to think that way, but fuck, it's better than not having hope, right??
The progesterone is fucking with me. I have had mood swings and heightened emotions. The bloating has gone down a bit but I've definitely gained weight. I'm trying to be healthy and just relax as much as I can. That's my update ... nothing else is happening, just a LOT of emotions. The progesterone made me depressed last time and this time I'm feeling less depressed but still not like myself. Dull, tired. That kind of thing. 12/12/2017 0 Comments ready to get a positive test already!I couldn't think of a clever title, or a clever picture or a clever anything. We had four fertilized eggs and in the end, two made it. So we put them both in. One was a "beautiful" embryo, not sure what that says about the other one. I named them Chloe and Joey. I hope they make it because if not, I think I'd have to retire the names.
The transfer day was okay, I was feeling stressed and then feeling stressed about feeling stressed. I had an acupuncturist come in and give me treatment before and after. I wish I felt more relaxed, maybe it helped. Apparently the stats on acupuncture after transfer are pretty good, so fingers crossed. I had the transfer on Sunday and then came back to work on Monday. I know a lot of websites suggest taking a few days off, but I didn't feel comfortable asking for more time off. I've been okay, mostly. I've done a LOT of meditations. Mainly I just want to know already. But I want to know that it WORKED, you know? I really don't want to go through this anymore. I'm tired, bloated, hungry all the time and I cry at random. I just want this, universe. I have asked everyone I know to send good vibes to the little guys in there. Right now, I'm "medically pregnant", so just trying my best to be healthy (and then eating a Tim Horton's sausage muffin, yknow, for balance). I'm ready!! HELLOOO uterus! Wish me luck. |
AuthorCall me M. The About page should lower those expectations of yours. Archives
November 2017
CategoriesAll Celebrities Clomid Femera Fertility Hormones Infertility IUI IVF Male Infertility Mental Health Mindfulness TWW |