12/13/2017 0 Comments December 13th, 2017Today I'm a few days past transfer. I have 6 days until we test, but usually when we have treatment I get my period before the testing date, so if I don't get my period by then, I will be pretty confident that I'm pregnant. I am so nervous when I think about it, but so hopeful. I have been having cramps in my abdomen and feeling like that must be me getting pregnant! I'm not supposed to think that way, but fuck, it's better than not having hope, right??
The progesterone is fucking with me. I have had mood swings and heightened emotions. The bloating has gone down a bit but I've definitely gained weight. I'm trying to be healthy and just relax as much as I can. That's my update ... nothing else is happening, just a LOT of emotions. The progesterone made me depressed last time and this time I'm feeling less depressed but still not like myself. Dull, tired. That kind of thing.
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11/10/2017 0 Comments what a time!I've been super busy, so I haven't updated with the news that we started the November cycle! I started birth control on Monday (today is Friday), so I've been on it for 4.5 days now. I don't know if it's residual hormones, the new BCP (birth control pills) or a mixture of both, but I am emotional AF today. I have been fighting off tears for the last hour and a half. It's what I call a "crying day" and I usually can keep my emotions in check during the workday, but today I'm really struggling.
Sometimes I wonder if there's a positive to being this emotional - maybe I'm just super in touch with my feels right now. Maybe it should fuel some kind of artistic endeavor. Philosophical questions for another time, I guess. So the process goes something like this: Nov 4 - Day 1 Nov 6 - Day 3, start hormones (BCP) Nov 20 - monitoring starts (u/s), take last BCP Nov 25 - Assigned Day 3, start injections (Gonal+Menopur) Nov 29 - Start stims (stimulates ovulation) Dec 2 - Day 10, B/US (blood + ultrasound), this is when we start monitoring to see when I'm ready for retrieval. This could be the day I take my trigger shot, which means egg retrieval will be the next day (which would be great, because it's a Sunday and I wouldn't have to take the day off!) Five days after egg retrieval, (about that), we put two embryos back in my uterus and that's how I get PREGNANT! Very exciting. This will be the one. This will be the one. Now, to get through this day of meetings without bursting into tears. 10/31/2017 0 Comments oh my gerdSo, the stress is getting to me. I can tell because the telltale symptoms of GERD started to rear their ugly head this evening. That's pretty much when your stomach acid creeps up your esophagus. It's pretty uncomfortable and it happens to me when I'm seriously stressed. So, here's what's happening:
The stakes are high, we need this round to work because we'll be out of money and I'm getting older. The financial stresses are really adding up. J says, "But we have money coming in" ... Sure, but I really like to have savings tucked away. I know that a lot of people are in debt and don't have savings, but I grew up poor and am basically a squirrel with nuts hidden everywhere for winter. What I don't want is no savings. What if something bad happens?! Plus, I'm really worried that going through IVF will make me less effective at my job... and my job is challenging. I want a challenging a job, yes. But this is a pretty big job. I know I can do it, but it doesn't leave much time for processing emotions outside of work (I deal with a lot of people when they're at their most irate). I'm almost disappointed in myself for not being better at dealing with all of this. I went to a party this weekend - I did NOT want to go, it was a family party and I felt obliged. I broke down in tears in the middle of the party and had to leave (smooth). It was an excellent reminded to not force myself to do things, despite other peoples' expectations of me. Speaking of which: next post will be WHEN YOUR FAMILY SUCKS AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR FERTILITY JOURNEY. 10/19/2017 0 Comments is this real?One thing that gets me about this whole fertility process (I mean, besides the whole not having a baby for years thing) is the hormones. At first, I felt fine. Even during my first round of IVF - it was hard, but it was manageable. After taking hormones for several cycles, though, it's hard to remember what "normal" felt like. And even harder? To separate a "real" feeling from one brought on by the hormones I've been dumping into my body for almost a year now.
Is this a normal reaction or is this something that wouldn't bother me so much if I wasn't on hormones? Even more complicated is the fact that, yes, I'm going through something that's incredibly hard - infertility and treatment. So, even if there weren't three different kinds of hormones all sloshing around inside me, I might be testy because I'm doing something incredibly stressful. I KNOW that the hormones are affecting me because there are days when I'm crying for no reason or overreacting to things that are out of character for me. That's fine, I can accept those days because I know what they are. But the asshole that hits me on the streetcar? Am I really mad at that guy because he couldn't be bothered to move aside, or would I just normally shrug it off? Hard to tell. Doubting whether your thoughts and feelings are real takes you to a new reality, one where you're questioning everything you do. It's exhausting. There is a silver lining, though (for me). When you're NOT questioning everything you think and feel, when things as business as usual, that's a problem. So maybe this is helping me to get to know myself again, to realize who I am NOW rather than a year ago. The downside - constantly questioning who you are is a confidence crisis. And not a pleasant one. What can I do? Take this as it comes - it's happening, I accept that. And hope that I make it out the other side of my next cycle pregnant (FINALLY). |
AuthorCall me M. The About page should lower those expectations of yours. Archives
November 2017
CategoriesAll Celebrities Clomid Femera Fertility Hormones Infertility IUI IVF Male Infertility Mental Health Mindfulness TWW |