10/31/2017 0 Comments oh my gerdSo, the stress is getting to me. I can tell because the telltale symptoms of GERD started to rear their ugly head this evening. That's pretty much when your stomach acid creeps up your esophagus. It's pretty uncomfortable and it happens to me when I'm seriously stressed. So, here's what's happening:
The stakes are high, we need this round to work because we'll be out of money and I'm getting older. The financial stresses are really adding up. J says, "But we have money coming in" ... Sure, but I really like to have savings tucked away. I know that a lot of people are in debt and don't have savings, but I grew up poor and am basically a squirrel with nuts hidden everywhere for winter. What I don't want is no savings. What if something bad happens?! Plus, I'm really worried that going through IVF will make me less effective at my job... and my job is challenging. I want a challenging a job, yes. But this is a pretty big job. I know I can do it, but it doesn't leave much time for processing emotions outside of work (I deal with a lot of people when they're at their most irate). I'm almost disappointed in myself for not being better at dealing with all of this. I went to a party this weekend - I did NOT want to go, it was a family party and I felt obliged. I broke down in tears in the middle of the party and had to leave (smooth). It was an excellent reminded to not force myself to do things, despite other peoples' expectations of me. Speaking of which: next post will be WHEN YOUR FAMILY SUCKS AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR FERTILITY JOURNEY.
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10/25/2017 0 Comments ivf: round two, good to goThe process of walking into the fertility clinic is always an emotional thing. Every round gets heavier. That's the best way to describe it. The hope you had at the start of the process, the ignorance of success rates, the brightness - that's gone now in favour of being weary. Knowing that the odds are against you. But something inside makes you want to keep going. This biological need for a baby.
Today's appointment was to get everything set up. We had an appointment with a junior doctor and then the big honcho, our doctor. She's the best fertility doctor in Toronto (last time I checked). She was the judge. It was up to her. She said she understood why we wanted to go ahead with IVF - I'm 37, we've been doing this for years, the success rates are higher, et cetera. She recommended ICSI so we'd only have to buy one vial of donor sperm. That adds another $1500 to the cost of the procedure, but I didn't realize we'd need more than one vial, so each vial would have been another $760 a pop. Procedures are adding up (have been for a while) and the financial stress has really been weighing on me. Renos aren't cheap, being unemployed didn't help and did decide to go on vacation (which, fuck, we needed). Aside from the finances, the hormone mood swings peppered with genuine sadness, the new job, the house, everything everything everything, I'm just... tired. I'm gearing up, training, getting ready. This is a physical feat, an emotional feat. I gotta get ready. I can do this. We can do this. This one HAS to work. 10/24/2017 0 Comments We have an appointment!There was a cancellation at my doctor's office and we have an appointment tomorrow afternoon! This is great news because we needed one before my next cycle, which is due to start next week. IVF will commence soon! I happy because waiting another month for all this shit sounded like torture to me. Plus, I wanted to start in November so I could make use of the December time off to recover and be sad (the progesterone is a bitch).
Almost a YEAR after our first IVF cycle, I'll do the second cycle. I'm scared and excited. This must work because a) it's all our money and b) it must must must. I can't DO this anymore, you know? It's all too much. Also I'm getting older and the chances of things working gets slimmer every month. This time will be different because I'm working full time and I have to balance that with treatment. I have a meeting with my boss today and I have to convey to him that I'll have some medical appointments coming up and will have to miss a few days of work. SIGH. I wish I could just tell him the truth but I just can't. Anyway... time to embark on this thing again and spend all our money and hopefully come out the other end with a baby. Fingers crossed. 10/19/2017 0 Comments is this real?One thing that gets me about this whole fertility process (I mean, besides the whole not having a baby for years thing) is the hormones. At first, I felt fine. Even during my first round of IVF - it was hard, but it was manageable. After taking hormones for several cycles, though, it's hard to remember what "normal" felt like. And even harder? To separate a "real" feeling from one brought on by the hormones I've been dumping into my body for almost a year now.
Is this a normal reaction or is this something that wouldn't bother me so much if I wasn't on hormones? Even more complicated is the fact that, yes, I'm going through something that's incredibly hard - infertility and treatment. So, even if there weren't three different kinds of hormones all sloshing around inside me, I might be testy because I'm doing something incredibly stressful. I KNOW that the hormones are affecting me because there are days when I'm crying for no reason or overreacting to things that are out of character for me. That's fine, I can accept those days because I know what they are. But the asshole that hits me on the streetcar? Am I really mad at that guy because he couldn't be bothered to move aside, or would I just normally shrug it off? Hard to tell. Doubting whether your thoughts and feelings are real takes you to a new reality, one where you're questioning everything you do. It's exhausting. There is a silver lining, though (for me). When you're NOT questioning everything you think and feel, when things as business as usual, that's a problem. So maybe this is helping me to get to know myself again, to realize who I am NOW rather than a year ago. The downside - constantly questioning who you are is a confidence crisis. And not a pleasant one. What can I do? Take this as it comes - it's happening, I accept that. And hope that I make it out the other side of my next cycle pregnant (FINALLY). 10/12/2017 0 Comments it didn't workAll that to say, no, it didn't work. This cycle, any cycle. No baby. I don't even use the word baby usually, I don't even think about that end result. I keep my eyes on the prize - incremental goals. Good levels. Can we go forward this time? THEN pregnancy. No one ever says "baby".
I am sad today, infinitely sad. It's hard to grieve a loss of something you never really had. It doesn't feel valid. Every day, it seems, someone is announcing a pregnancy. And they're all SECOND babies now, everyone's moved on. It isn't fair, really, for me to be sad about other people's happy news. And I'm not sad that they have something that I don't have, the sadness is really just that I can't get it, that I am trying so hard, putting everything I have into this thing that is supposed to just happen. The thing that happened to my mother without her even wanting it, something that was a curse. And now that I want it, it is the hardest thing. Is it the hormones fucking with me? Maybe. Is it just a natural come down after a few failed cycles and being old and tired and not wanting to deal with this shit anymore? Along with the thousands of dollars it will cost to do the new IVF cycle? This is the hard part. This is the part you look back on and think, "Wow that was hard but I'm glad that I have this baby now. But that was hard." I GET THAT, it doesn't make this easier. It doesn't make it FAIR. I'm sick of making lemonade. I'm sick of dealing. Can someone else take over now? One thing is for damn sure. I'm pretty set on this IVF cycle working. I WILL be pregnant by JANUARY dammit. This shit is getting old. |
AuthorCall me M. The About page should lower those expectations of yours. Archives
November 2017
CategoriesAll Celebrities Clomid Femera Fertility Hormones Infertility IUI IVF Male Infertility Mental Health Mindfulness TWW |