1/31/2017 0 Comments IVF is inpleasant.So, I've been reading about how IVF is hard and crazy. Here's what I think/feel: IVF is unpleasant. It's hard, sure, emotionally, but it's not as hard as I thought. I'm sure it's very tough for a lot of people (and this being my first round of IVF makes it easier in some ways, probably). But for me it is hard because it's a string of unpleasant things for a very long time.
So the emotional toll is the most difficult thing throughout the process, from diagnosis to now. There are so many emotions (and sometimes lack of emotions) that come up and not always when you think they will. The diagnosis was the absolute toughest time, we were devastated. To have a doctor firmly tell you that you, as a couple, are incapable of having children on your own is really, really hard. The second hardest thing was the miscarriage. It was very early but that didn't make it easier. I sometimes think about it, about how I could have had a kid by now. A kid who would be 1 and a half. But I don't. The rest is a string of days, of appointments, of all-encompassing thoughts. There are Facebook birth announcements, which generally I'm happy about. There are baby showers, which I despise (always have). There are the questions, "So when are you two planning on having kids?" The "you're getting older" bit is implied. The injections are tough, but they're okay. Today was my first monitoring appointment. I've been injecting Gonal and Menopur for the past four nights. Today's appointment was a blood test and an ultrasound to see follicles and see how my ovaries are responding to the meds. Apparently I'm doing well, which is great, so I'll probably start injecting what's called an "antagonist" to make sure the eggs don't drop before my egg retrieval day. Egg retrieval is stimulated by a special injection I give myself the day before retrieval. On the day, I go in to my fertility centre and they anesthesize me (though I'll be awake) and they take the eggs out. The hope is a lot of eggs (I'm not sure how many I'll have). Then, they take J's sperm and inject it into my eggs. Then, we wait 3-5 days for our best embryo. We put that embryo in (that's called egg transfer) and hope that my uterus attaches. And then I'll be pregnant! I think there's about a 50/50 chance. Who knows what'll happen. The uncertainty is the third hardest thing. The not knowing. The lack of control in a situation that we need to control. As women! Our lives revolve around this thing that just can't be controlled.
0 Comments
1/27/2017 0 Comments IVF SURVIVAL KIT.Apparently, after watching several IVF YouTube videos, I can safely say I will need the following things to get me through stimming (which is what we call giving ourselves hormone injections to stimulate follicles).
Stimming starts ... in about an hour. I'm NOT AT ALL TERRIFIED to give myself these injections. Nope, not in the least. It sounds super comfortable. Ugh. 1/23/2017 0 Comments Day 16Today is Day 16. The day you get your period is Day 1 of your cycle, which is pretty much how all fertility talk works. Each cycle, there is a Day 1 and you start from there. Yesterday was Day 15, so I went to get my transvaginal ultrasound, which is as much fun as it sounds. It all went very quickly. I checked in at 8:45am (on a Sunday no less) and was quickly ushered into a room and told to get naked from the waist down (awkward). Then (in a gown), shuffled along to a room with two women - one on a big machine and one with a (very large) wand. Then, without much warning, the ward was right in there! I think they do it fast so you can't back out.
Then I went to see a nurse, who told me I didn't have to take any more of the birth control (lucky! I thought I was supposed to take the whole pack) and that I'd come back from my injection training on Thursday with J. I start the injections on Friday. It's all going so fast. I'm so glad that I don't have to take the pill anymore. I had nausea, tiredness, aggression, LOTS of gas (ew) and extremely youthful looking skin. I don't mind that last one. But yes, unpleasant to say the least. I'm afraid of my reaction to the injections because I have four (yes, four) job interviews over the next two weeks and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be crazy hormonal. As long as I don't cry I should be okay. I can't believe it's all (finally) happening! 1/15/2017 0 Comments Nausea already?!So I just remembered why I stopped taking birth control 12 years ago. Sigh, so far, the first week of birth control has resulted in nausea, tiredness and a bit of all-around WTF. The tiredness was the first thing I noticed and the nausea has been making an appearance every other day or so. I stocked up on crackers one day when I was at the grocery store and thought I was going to hurl all over the meat aisle. Though I usually avoid sugar (even in carb form) (ahem with the exception of dark chocolate), I bought a shitload of the above.
This only leads me to be afraid that I will REALLY react to the injections. I also re-joined the infertility forum over at The Bump for support. I even started the February IVF thread. Check. Me. Out. It's helpful because everyone over there knows what they're doing and they use all sorts of acronyms which I'm sure to learn any day now. FET means frozen embryo transfer, FYI. J is downstairs knocking walls down. Um, so doing a house reno during hormone stuff was a really great idea, right?!?! 1/8/2017 0 Comments Day 1.Day 1. Numero uno.
Yesterday I called the secret number. The "red eagle has landed" number. No one's been more excited to get her period since a Judy Blume novel in the 80s. I got it! So yesterday marked the first day of my first round of IVF. Tomorrow I start taking the Mirvala 21 pill from a previous post. It's birth control. I am most afraid of: gaining weight and giving myself injections. In that order. I realized this yesterday when I couldn't zip up my coat after eating my way through Christmas. I was very sad. It sucks that the people I was having Christmas with made it so much about me eating/not eating etc so much that I just ate to make them happy. Now months of training have gone down the toilet and my clothes don't fit. It sucks how women are mocked for being careful about what they put into their bodies and then mocked for the way their bodies look. We can't win. And before someone tells me that I "shouldn't" worry about the way my body looks THANKS SO MUCH! Never considered that. So the last time I took birth control I was fat. The whole time. This time I'm taking that and some pretty strong hormones, so. Goodbye, body! Goodbye control of emotions! Oh, did I mention I'm scared about this whole thing? Day 1! But hopefully I'll be pregnant in the next two months. That would be good. I like celebrity infertility stories. I like the idea that the trials of being human surpass class and other barriers and torture our made up gods! I find it comforting that celebrities have had fertility challenges. Call it a need to connect, but thank you Jimmy Fallon and Sarah Jessica Parker for talking about not being able to have children without the help of science! It's been helpful.
Before we had these issues, I didn't think of infertility much (or at all). Perhaps a passing smirk directed towards articles about biological clocks and that bullshit. (By the way, a lot of that is bullshit.) But never a genuine pause to consider that I might someday face any challenges myself. Mainly a terror of getting pregnant at the wrong time by the wrong man (and thank God I didn't). Part of the reason is that it's really not spoken about openly. When I had a miscarriage my first urge was that I should tell people because it's so common and people should know. But that got tired pretty quickly. Not many people want to hear about your miscarriage. Fertility challenges are worse. I have never had the courage to mention it to any of the many strangers who ask me on a regular basis when I'll be having children. I wish I had it in me! Instead I politely say, "maybe one day." I need to be brave like Chrissy! So I didn't complete my goal from the other day. I did not smoke a joint. The house remains unclean and untidy. I guess I'm recovering from jetlag, so I'll give myself a break. I'm PMSing, which is good, because it means I'll get my period soon and I can get this show on the road.
I've been seeing friends lately (the last two evenings) and fielding a lot of questions about IVF. I have come to the realization that I don't know very much about it. They gave us this 20-minute YouTube presentation to watch a few months ago. I've all but forgotten everything. In The Art of Waiting, Belle Boggs writes down all these numbers the doctors take. I realized I didn't do that. I'm blissfully ignorant. I just assume this should work. Let's maintain that ignorance, shall we? My friends last night were asking me what I do when I start IVF. "Well," I tell them, "I get my period and call this phone number to tell them." It's very spy-like. "Checking in, the red eagle has landed." I should probably take this more seriously, but I'm quite the A-type so I have a feeling it's better this way. I'm pretty chill about it, the thing that I'm most scared about is giving myself needles. But yes, I should probably know what the next steps are. Note to self. I did, however, already get my meds. (See above: those round pills are inserted vaginally. Fun!) In Ontario, when you get your one free round of IVF (everyone is entitled to it as long as the program is running), you still have to pay for your meds. I got off easy - mine were covered by my insurance from work (which is very rare - most plans don't cover them). Also, mine were only $3000 because I needed a lower than average dose. Meds could run you upwards of $5000. So, even though people who might not have been able to afford IVF are getting a free round, it's important to mention that it could still be inaccessible to some people who don't have the thousands to cough up for meds. Counting down now. Should get my period any day now... eek! Nervous! 1/4/2017 0 Comments the art of waiting.Belle Boggs approaches fertility in the way I wish I could: with warmth, a sense of understanding without condescension and a logic that I haven't been able to summon yet. I was aching for a book like this when I started treatment two years ago. Boggs approaches the subject with a wider view than most of what I've read: she considers same sex couples, race and class and she talks about the guilt I most certainly have felt about my privilege.
It's hard to talk about fertility with people who haven't gone through it, which is why there are so many message boards and support groups. I haven't gone that way yet - I find the message boards hard to deal with (but very supportive) and I the support group on offer through my clinic cost a few hundred dollars I'd rather put towards something else. Having a book written by someone with my own sensibilities is worth its weight in paper. I even gave my copy to my mother-in-law, hopeful that she'd gain a better understand of what J and me are going through. You can order The Art of Waiting here. 1/3/2017 0 Comments 2017.Everything hurts. My feet, my wrists, my hips, my back. It’s like someone flipped a switch and my body gave out like one of those push button dolls. The travelling probably has something to do with it, but it’s a shitty way to start the year. J’s mom force fed me for the entirety of Christmas, guilt tripping if we didn’t eat constantly. (Glad to be home.)
It should be a happy time. We start IVF … well, this week. The first month is just taking a birth control pill and monitoring things. If someone had told me at the beginning of this process how long everything takes, I would have made so many plans. Travels! Job hunt! More parties! Now I’m just exhausted and dreading giving up drinking and coffee. I lost my job in August and have been looking since then. I’ve interviewed, but nothing is happening. It’s January now. I can’t help but feel like this would all be so much easier if I had a job. Staying positive is tough. And now, if I get pregnant in February or March, I’ll feel bad taking a job. But I’ll take it. But I’ll feel bad. So I feel bad all around. Once I get back on my schedule, I’m sure I’ll feel better. Exercise helps so much and I haven’t been to the gym in a few weeks. I’ll get back this week or next and get into the swing of things. I guess the lesson here is, if you’re starting down the path of fertility treatment, don’t put things off thinking you’ll be pregnant soon. I’ll be too pregnant to travel this summer, so we won’t buy festival tickets. I’ll be too pregnant to fly then, I won’t get that great deal. Just do things! My biggest regret is not trying to find a job sooner, before my contract ran out. I mean, I did try but I should have tried harder. But that is done now. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw (I promise not to constantly quote SATC, how annoying!), don't should all over yourself. Being unemployed isn’t that bad, I guess. I am getting employment insurance. It’s part of what makes living in Canada so great. The other thing is obviously the free round of IVF we’re getting. Fingers crossed this round works! Financially this is a huge break that I’m incredibly grateful for. I haven’t really been going on any infertility support message boards. It’s P that has the issue and I didn’t encounter anyone there whose male partner had the issue. It’s sort of lonely. Of course, everyone just assumes it’s me because of my “age”…. I’m 36. We’ve been trying for two years. I'm pretty young, for fuck's sake! Shrug it off, shrug it off. January really is a new beginning for me. We’re starting our basement renovation, we’re starting IVF, and I’m starting a meditation class, which will be intense. You attend a three-hour class weekly and do 45 minutes of meditation on your own every day. It’ll be a big change for me, but I’m hoping that it will help alleviate some of the stress that we’re facing. And maybe I’ll find work this month! That would definitely take some of the stress off. I guess I’ll just do my best and focus on not watching too much TV… (the struggle is VERY real, I'm looking at you, Kelly Ripa). |
AuthorCall me M. The About page should lower those expectations of yours. Archives
November 2017
CategoriesAll Celebrities Clomid Femera Fertility Hormones Infertility IUI IVF Male Infertility Mental Health Mindfulness TWW |