9/4/2017 0 Comments another fucking cycle"Let's not be a grumpy bum today, okay?" J says, hugging me. I'm livid. I'm finishing off the wallpaper on our basement laundry area backsplash. The wallpaper he said he'd finish a month ago. Or more! I'm spotting today, which means my period will come tomorrow or the next day and I'm not feeling great.
Last cycle was cancelled because I was ovulating on the right side. Which is the wrong side, because the right side is the side that's blocked. I will start a new cycle of Femera probably this week. I am slowly unravelling. Princess Kate is pregnant with her third! Great! Everyone at work is pregnant! Great! My friend who was pregnant was supposed to come over for lunch last week but she gave birth to a baby girl instead! Great! Everything is great! People ask, how are you? I'm great! Just slowly unravelling. Like normal, the new normal. It's never ending, this waiting, these hormones, these arguments. I have so many arguments and I am watching myself from the outside. J doesn't understand, these feelings burrowing themselves out of my chest at inconvenient times. I have no patience left. I have no willpower left. I have run out of everything. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want anyone to come over. I just want our house to be done so I can hide here. I fight it, I use all my energy to cook dinner or clean up or get dressed and go outside. The neighbours don't talk to us, they only talk to the other people who have children. So I smile and keep walking. I buy flowers to put in the front hall. I putter around. I make lists of things to do before the hormones kick in and I can't move at all. We booked a trip to Hawaii that we can't really afford (the money could have paid for another cycle). Honestly I just needed something to look forward to. If the universe or god or whatever is listening, I'm done! Hello, I'm done! If this doesn't work, if this is another month of nothing, then I'm done! You can go fuck yourself, universe! This horrible awful sadness, how do people contend with it? (I mean, they go on antidepressants. Obvs. But I'm not doing that.) It's just so much nothing. And at the end, that thought, that glimmer, that hope. That one day, one day soon, even! There might be a little baby crying at 3am, pooping all over us, gurgling while I rock on that fucking rocking chair I got (just in case). Please can this just be the month?
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorCall me M. The About page should lower those expectations of yours. Archives
November 2017
CategoriesAll Celebrities Clomid Femera Fertility Hormones Infertility IUI IVF Male Infertility Mental Health Mindfulness TWW |