3/15/2017 0 Comments infertility self careSo it's been an emotional time. I thought once I stopped taking the hormones I'd level out within a few days. Not exactly so, I'm still experiencing aftershocks. Also, with IVF I got out of my exercise routine, which I think is really detrimental at the best of times in terms of mental health. I had a big outburst last night at a family member who didn't know what hit him (!) and had to apologize this morning. He was more than understanding, thankfully. But I have been Dawson (above) for a few weeks.
So part of this whole thing is that my husband is the one with the infertility issue, which I've mentioned before. When our IVF didn't work, the doctor pretty much said to him, "You can't have biological children." As much as I've been going through, I can't imagine someone saying that to me. Of course I have dealt with it alongside him and gone through a lot but I still get to have my biological child at the end of this, so I just don't get what it feels like 100%. As much as I can say, "It will be your child as much as any other parent" I just don't know. This has been hard for me because J is a guy, which in our society often means that he's been trained to suppress big emotions and section them off. The problem with this is that he hasn't really shared this process with friends, or anyone else except me (not even a blog!) and I don't think he's fully processing. Going from IVF (with J's sperm) to IUI (with a donor) is a turnaround of a few weeks. Which means that I will start new hormones (oh gawd) in a week and a half. And J has had a millisecond to truly adjust to this. Our doctor recommended going right into our next treatment to keep our momentum, which we both agreed with. But it's also A LOT. It's just a lot. From November, when J had his surgery, to now... it's been really full on. Part of me is glad I haven't been working but also I feel a lot of anxiety around not bringing in any money for all the grown up expenses we've been incurring. Timing has definitely been tough. Infertility does NOT make the rest of your life stop. And unless you're willing to share what you're going through, it's hard to explain to everyone why you can't keep certain engagements, you know? So part of this has been our ability to access not just fertility treatment, but a lot of other services. We have insurance through J's job (I had great coverage through my old job, which helped too) so we have access to some psychology coverage. I'm finding that self care for me is (sometimes) J taking care of himself. This is hard because he's a guy, and not a lot of men will willingly go to therapy. I realize you can't make someone do this if they don't want to, but guys, please do this. Finding out you can't have kids has felt akin to someone dying. Really. It's grief, it's mourning loss, and it's hard to deal with. So my post-IVF fail self care is: - Going to see a therapist (me) - Going to see a therapist (J) - Keeping a regular exercise routine - Eating well - Mindfulness meditation - Allowing myself a day off when I need one - Talking to friends / using my support network - Connecting with other people going through the same thing when I can / supporting others If you are reading this and have other suggestions, please comment!
0 Comments
3/3/2017 0 Comments infertility is exhausting.Everything's on hold. When you're trying, you turn down trips and festivals and parties and plans. "We'll I'll be pregnant by then," you think, "I don't want to stay at an all inclusive." You count ahead 40 weeks. "I'll be pregnant in July so I'll have the baby in April. The shower could be in March!"
So many plans! Your life is dictated by your ovulation predictor. And don't even talk to me about the two week wait. Then fertility tests. All those tests. For us, it started with genetic testing. Then things like a sonohystogram. Blood tests. Then corrective surgery. Then waiting for IVF. Then that doesn't work. Then alternatives. All of a sudden, years have gone by and most of that time is trying to prepare yourself for a baby. Maybe you bought a pretty three bedroom house. That just invites the questions, doesn't it? Why did you buy a house for just you and your husband? When are you two having kids? Ughhh it's exhausting. All this waiting for life to start (literally). Not to mention all the things I changed and put on hold (my career, mostly). And now... MAYBE I'll be pregnant next month. Maybe the month after. Or maybe never? It's. just. exhausting. And the banality! The waiting. The days, weeks, months, years. The trips we didn't take, the money we spent (wasted?), the parties we couldn't bring ourselves to attend. SIGH. 2/27/2017 0 Comments ivf #1 failI've tried to write this post so many times. What to say? How to say it? How honest should I be? I struggle with an anxiety disorder and the worst thing for someone with anxiety is uncertainty. We live in one of the most uncertain times ever. Politically, societally, everything is uncertain right now. Anything could happen. It is a scary time to be on the crux of anything especially if you have studied history and can see the glaring similarities between our present situation and, say, the 1930s.
This is also the most uncertain time in my life. A time where I feel absolutely out of control. I think any bad diagnosis will do that. I read somewhere that those struggling with infertility suffer the same amount of stress as cancer patients. I don't know if that's true, but it doesn't feel good. It's crushing at times. You see, in my younger days I would have checked out of this scenario months ago. I'd have moved country or at least city. I'd have started anew. Now I'm married and the geopolitical situation isn't so hot and I bought a house right before I lost my job and I need medical treatment and I am forced to deal with the situation I'm presented with. No shortcuts, no running away. Just staying and dealing. Maybe that in itself is a gift. Maybe that is the lesson. I'm in the country that others are trying to run to (lucky) and I'm okay. There is no flight so I am left with fight- it's all I have. I don't have a baby. Yet. But I probably will. I have options. We have options. We'll see the doctor tomorrow and see what she says. I don't know if we can do this again. Soo I wanted to find a picture of a womb to use as the image for this post but I found some shitty pregnancy announcements that said things like "only the best parents get promoted to grandparents" (I'm sure if that was true, we really wouldn't have an overpopulation problem in the world). Now that we've established that, today was the day they put an embryo in my womb! That really happened.
Only one little guy made it, so I feel like that means he's the best guy and a fighter. I am trying to stay positive but also to think, if this guy doesn't make it, then it was self-selection and it wasn't meant to be. I wouldn't want a guy with problems to go ahead and be in pain or anything. I will leave it at that. After the only takes one mantra, we are here at one. It is scary and sad that only one made it (what if this one DOES make it but we want two?) (what if this one doesn't make it? what's our next step?) The reality of the situation is that we were very lucky to have this one round of IVF covered and the meds covered. If we want to do this again, it's $15k with a possibly similar result. I think that if we did decide to do that, I would ask that some of the eggs be implanted with donor sperm. If I could go back in time and do this again, I would have used the donor sperm for a couple of eggs. That way, we might have been left with some embryos to freeze for later - and it would have been free to transfer them. Now if we do another round privately, we'll have to pay to freeze any leftover embryos and each transfer will cost $2000. Expensive life lesson learned. Aside from that, there is an embryo inside of my womb and I got to see it go in on the little ultrasound machine and it looked like a white dot. I really really really really really hope it sticks to my lining and becomes a baby guy. It's hard to be positive when there are so many factors. Also it's kind of condescending when people keep telling you to be positive all day long when you're a rational logical person with thoughts and feelings and knowledge and statistics. So I remain hopeful and realistic. 2/8/2017 0 Comments egg updateI got my call this morning. The news wasn't the best: out of 16 eggs, 15 were good. 4 fertilized 4. So we have 4. The good news is that more could develop but there isn't much hope for them. This isn't the outcome I was hoping for. I have gone through so many emotions today so far, one strong emotion is regret. Regret that I didn't insist of putting a few eggs aside for the donor sperm. Mainly I didn't want to hurt J's feelings and now I really regret not trying harder to push for that outcome. But it is what it is and we have to hope for the best with these four embryos.
Of course we have a backup plan, and that is to do IUI with our donor sperm. To be honest, I'm mad at J for putting off choosing the donor so long, I feel like I was backed into the one we chose. I am trying not to judge myself for these feelings and observe them. They will pass. These feelings will pass and we will be fine. But this feels like such a massive blow for now. Statistically only 30% of embryos make it. So hopefully we end up with 2 to day 5 and the one we put in will stick and it will become our baby. I have to believe that this will work for now, I can't give up. I am still taking hormones (progesterone, vaginally) and I can't afford to lose hope right now. But goddamnit infertility is a bitch. I will repeat to myself: IT ONLY TAKES ONE. 2/5/2017 0 Comments IVF TRIGGER SHOT day!So this morning's visit to the fertility clinic went well - I'm ready to go! Which comes with a massive bonus - I only had one more shot to do today, my trigger shot. The trigger shot tells your body to ovulate. So instead of three needles, I just had the one. And it wasn't a bad one, didn't hurt at all. It can be so intimidating, looking at boxes and boxes of meds. And tonight we got to the bottom of the boxes.
Here are my numbers, If you're into that sort of thing: I have at least 15 mature follicles and at least 10 eggs. I am counting on more eggs (like, 12?) for retrieval day, but 10 is okay too. Next steps: tomorrow, do nothing. Next day, wake up at 6am, take an antibiotic and then head to the hospital for retrieval. We'll then talk to our doctor about how many we want to fertilize with J's sperm and how many we want to use our donor sperm with. I'm not sure about that, it really depends on how J's sperm does when we thaw it. (Unfreeze it?) I really, really, really want to have one to transfer (that works) and one for later so I don't have to go through this process again! It was pretty crazy. I don't know how many needles I've had over the past two weeks, but it's been a LOT of needles. I didn't enjoy that part. But here we are, so close to the end and so close to having a pregnancy. We are so full of hope. 2/4/2017 0 Comments stims day 8Today's Day 8 of stims (technically it's my "day 11"... or was it "day 12"?). I had a monitoring appointment yesterday morning, this morning and I'll have one tomorrow morning. They're monitoring me every day (and monitoring means bloodwork and a transvaginal ultrasound which is quite unpleasant) and I really hope tomorrow is my last. After tomorrow's meds, I'll be out of menopur and tonight I'll be out of ganirelix. We ordered the meds a long time ago, which I was still working, to ensure I could get them covered. The only issue with that is that my doctor had to guess how much medication I would need. She was pretty close but I think we will need some more and I'm not sure how much it will cost.
To do this whole thing, we've been incredibly lucky with subsidizing this cycle. IVF was covered by Ontario Health Insurance (OHIP) and meds were covered by my health insurance. That's probably a savings of about $15,000. We're doing ICSI, so that would have been another couple grand, I think, so that's factored in to my figure. J did a surgery called microtese, which cost us about $3000 out of pocket. That's really been our only cost. I know I've mentioned this before, but we are really grateful and lucky to be where we are. Being out of work since August has not helped with stress or our finances and I am a bit nervous about starting a job (if I do get one in the near future) while pregnant. I don't want to tell my new employer that I got pregnant the same time they hired me! But, circumstances are what they are, so I'm doing my best to roll with things. That all being said, any extra meds we have to buy is kind of gut punch because they're so fucking expensive. I think the menopur is probably about $80 a shot (thinking about that makes me appreciate those shots a bit more) and I have no idea how much another few doses of ganirelix will be. I guess I'll find out tomorrow! The important thing is that I'm so close to the finish line , I can almost see it now. The appointment today revealed that they can see 18 follicles and at least 10 eggs at this point. Apparently that's a lot of follicles. I guess we want about 15 eggs (some people have 40!) because I read somewhere that 15 is the best number to have before sacrificing quality. That could be a load of nonsense, I just read it in some online newspaper. Anyway, we'll know more tomorrow! Now for some Saturday night pizza before my dreaded shots. 2/3/2017 0 Comments IVF ESSENTIALS (REvised).Oh boy, am I ever sick of IVF. I'm on Day 7 of stims and let me tell you, it does not get better. The side effects are really happening now. Bloating, tiredness, emotions, it's all happening. Today I went for an ultrasound and bloodwork and despite having an appointment for Sunday, they've moved it up to tomorrow (Saturday) instead. I am READYYY for this to be over. Those shots are not my favourite. So, as shit gets real(er), I have a revised list for an IVF care package now that I know a little bit more.
Everything else is subjective, I didn't really need anything else. A good TV show (Life in Pieces is my Netflix comedy pick) for after you do the shots is important. I find that if I eat a big dinner, I get a stomachache. I don't normally eat sugar and I ate ice cream last night after the shots and had some nasty stomach cramps. So I'd just keep the food around injection time light. After my injections, J makes me a peppermint tea. Tonight I feel like the tea is going to start spurting out of my injection sites! Hopefully tomorrow they'll be able to tell me my egg retrieval date and I will know the end to my stint as a human pincushion. 2/1/2017 0 Comments ivf youtubers.Since starting IVF, I've been scouring the internet for information and advice. At my clinic, they give you an informative scientific video when you DECIDE to do IVF. Since J and I were waiting for over a year to actually do the IVF, that video is long forgotten. AND it's boring and way too technical for my purposes. I've found the IVF/infertility board over at thebump.com very supportive and informative. Everyone there is great AND they give good advice.
I've also been obsessively watching YouTubers (in)fertility vlogs because it's easier and more relatable than reading scientific stuff. I've watched some (a lot of) really bad ones, but here are a few that I have found really helpful. IVFChic The woman who does these videos is really likeable and relatable. Her videos are pretty amateur, but I like that about her. She goes through the IVF process from the POV of someone like me, someone new to the IVF process taking it as it comes. (TW: She does end up pregnant. She mentions MC) Ayla and Caleb Okay. These cuties are young (they're in their early 20s) and can sometimes be .... well, young. If you can get past that and the cheesy titles, the videos are super raw and honest. This couple goes through a few rounds of IVF and is now pursuing adoption (as their IVF unfortunately didn't end with pregnancy). The thing I like about these videos is that you get a real sense of the emotional toll this process takes. Phil and Alex (pictured above, from their YT channel) This couple is really great - the only thing I'm not super into is how religious they are, but that's just my personal preference. They're pretty into filming everything, so their channel is super informative. They did a round of IVF but I'm not sure how it turned out. They're adoptive parents of two kids. This one is just a well-rounded channel about infertility and the challenges that come along with it. Living Rosa I love these ladies! Tara and Mandi did reciprocal IVF, which I didn't really know about until I saw these videos. They are just the best. Their journey is really interesting and inspiring. This injection video from a younger patient who is donating her eggs pretty much belongs in a Judd Apatow movie. You'll see why if you watch it long enough. Girl, I really hope you dump that dude in the background. You can do betterrrrr!!! 1/31/2017 0 Comments IVF is inpleasant.So, I've been reading about how IVF is hard and crazy. Here's what I think/feel: IVF is unpleasant. It's hard, sure, emotionally, but it's not as hard as I thought. I'm sure it's very tough for a lot of people (and this being my first round of IVF makes it easier in some ways, probably). But for me it is hard because it's a string of unpleasant things for a very long time.
So the emotional toll is the most difficult thing throughout the process, from diagnosis to now. There are so many emotions (and sometimes lack of emotions) that come up and not always when you think they will. The diagnosis was the absolute toughest time, we were devastated. To have a doctor firmly tell you that you, as a couple, are incapable of having children on your own is really, really hard. The second hardest thing was the miscarriage. It was very early but that didn't make it easier. I sometimes think about it, about how I could have had a kid by now. A kid who would be 1 and a half. But I don't. The rest is a string of days, of appointments, of all-encompassing thoughts. There are Facebook birth announcements, which generally I'm happy about. There are baby showers, which I despise (always have). There are the questions, "So when are you two planning on having kids?" The "you're getting older" bit is implied. The injections are tough, but they're okay. Today was my first monitoring appointment. I've been injecting Gonal and Menopur for the past four nights. Today's appointment was a blood test and an ultrasound to see follicles and see how my ovaries are responding to the meds. Apparently I'm doing well, which is great, so I'll probably start injecting what's called an "antagonist" to make sure the eggs don't drop before my egg retrieval day. Egg retrieval is stimulated by a special injection I give myself the day before retrieval. On the day, I go in to my fertility centre and they anesthesize me (though I'll be awake) and they take the eggs out. The hope is a lot of eggs (I'm not sure how many I'll have). Then, they take J's sperm and inject it into my eggs. Then, we wait 3-5 days for our best embryo. We put that embryo in (that's called egg transfer) and hope that my uterus attaches. And then I'll be pregnant! I think there's about a 50/50 chance. Who knows what'll happen. The uncertainty is the third hardest thing. The not knowing. The lack of control in a situation that we need to control. As women! Our lives revolve around this thing that just can't be controlled. |
AuthorCall me M. The About page should lower those expectations of yours. Archives
November 2017
CategoriesAll Celebrities Clomid Femera Fertility Hormones Infertility IUI IVF Male Infertility Mental Health Mindfulness TWW |