We always knew that needing a donor would be a possibility. And of course our approach was always, if that's what we need, then we'll make a family that way. And J will be a great father. We have donor conceived people in our family (a beautiful one-year-old, and we just found out, a family member's partner). I believe in different kinds of families and beyond believing in them, I am definitely part of a very complicated family structure. Half-siblings, stepmothers, non genetic grandparents, whatever! (J comes from a much more traditional clan.)
When we realized that having a biological child wasn't in the cards for us, it was different. J is still having trouble dealing with it, understandably. But so am I. Our first IUI cycle starts this weekend (ish). I'm feeling really anxious, I'm feeling guilty for being fertile, I'm feeling disappointed that I've had to wait for so long, I'm feeling scared that it won't work. The disappointment of infertility is crushing. It affects every other part of your life. It takes all your energy, a lot of your time and it messes with your head (especially the hormones). Your friends and family say really insensitive things, they aren't supportive, they don't understand. I really didn't believe infertility treatment would be as stressful as cancer treatment before I started. But this is a widely cited fact and now I understand. I've never been through cancer treatment, of course, but I think the idea is that it's extremely taxing. It's not a comparison as much as people experiencing this trying to make other people understand how fucking hard it actually is. It's really fucking hard! J and I have both been through hormone treatment and surgical procedures. We've both been through the endless cycles of hope, then disappointment (first trying to conceive, then fertility treatment with a miscarriage in there somewhere). Sometimes the sadness is paralyzing. I've also been dealing with not having a job so I am at home by myself all day. This has been stressful financially and lonely. The only people I can hang out with during the day are people with babies. So that's kind of a dilemma. I want to reach out and spend time with people but I also need to limit my time with new moms - because of the obvious. It's so tough! It's one thing when you feel like everyone around you is pregnant or has a new baby, but it's another thing hanging out with all these little guys SO MUCH and being deftly aware that you don't have one. It's good to hang with people who don't have kids, too. It's also good to limit communications with people who aren't supportive. I've been limiting room for people who say hurtful or insensitive things (even if they're well meaning) to me right now. I've been limiting things that feel like obligations. It's hard! I don't really like the term "self-care" (I think it's kind of strange way to frame things) but I think when you're going through treatment (or in between treatments), it's okay to take care of yourself without feeling like you have to do things for others.
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3/20/2017 0 Comments Ted talks on infertilityIt's really hard to find infertility resources. And that's because infertility is a big secret club no one wants to be a part of. Today I happened upon a bunch of TEDx talks about just that. Sometimes it's good to just sit with infertility. And sometimes the best thing is hearing other people talk about it eloquently. All of these talks explain IVF in plain english, which might help if you don't know much about it.
A journey through infertility (over terror's edge) - Camille Preston (2014) A 39-year-old A-type woman is catapulted into IVF. This one's good at putting the disappointment of failed infertility treatment into words. "IVF is not for the faint of heart." (Audio isn't very good on this one.) Rainy with a chance of baby - Kara DeFrias (2013) Kara's issues were PCOS and uterine cancer. She had a full hysterectomy. IVF, fertility treatments & men: A puzzling proposition - Alon Neuman (2015) Alon talks about going through IVF from the male perspective. His speech is... not funny (but he thinks it's really funny). But I appreciate his candour about finding out his sperm wasn't viable. He's also good at describing the two week wait. Infertile dad - John Fulwider (2013) (pictured above) The panic attacks, crying fits and dull aches this man felt while dealing with his infertility. I think it's so important to listen to men's experiences because so much about infertility talk is aimed at women. This couple also seriously considered adoption. John also talks about how people are insensitive to infertile people. Universal access to infertility care - Willem Ombelet (2013) A headier talk about how only 10% of the world's population has access to fertility treatment. 3/15/2017 0 Comments infertility self careSo it's been an emotional time. I thought once I stopped taking the hormones I'd level out within a few days. Not exactly so, I'm still experiencing aftershocks. Also, with IVF I got out of my exercise routine, which I think is really detrimental at the best of times in terms of mental health. I had a big outburst last night at a family member who didn't know what hit him (!) and had to apologize this morning. He was more than understanding, thankfully. But I have been Dawson (above) for a few weeks.
So part of this whole thing is that my husband is the one with the infertility issue, which I've mentioned before. When our IVF didn't work, the doctor pretty much said to him, "You can't have biological children." As much as I've been going through, I can't imagine someone saying that to me. Of course I have dealt with it alongside him and gone through a lot but I still get to have my biological child at the end of this, so I just don't get what it feels like 100%. As much as I can say, "It will be your child as much as any other parent" I just don't know. This has been hard for me because J is a guy, which in our society often means that he's been trained to suppress big emotions and section them off. The problem with this is that he hasn't really shared this process with friends, or anyone else except me (not even a blog!) and I don't think he's fully processing. Going from IVF (with J's sperm) to IUI (with a donor) is a turnaround of a few weeks. Which means that I will start new hormones (oh gawd) in a week and a half. And J has had a millisecond to truly adjust to this. Our doctor recommended going right into our next treatment to keep our momentum, which we both agreed with. But it's also A LOT. It's just a lot. From November, when J had his surgery, to now... it's been really full on. Part of me is glad I haven't been working but also I feel a lot of anxiety around not bringing in any money for all the grown up expenses we've been incurring. Timing has definitely been tough. Infertility does NOT make the rest of your life stop. And unless you're willing to share what you're going through, it's hard to explain to everyone why you can't keep certain engagements, you know? So part of this has been our ability to access not just fertility treatment, but a lot of other services. We have insurance through J's job (I had great coverage through my old job, which helped too) so we have access to some psychology coverage. I'm finding that self care for me is (sometimes) J taking care of himself. This is hard because he's a guy, and not a lot of men will willingly go to therapy. I realize you can't make someone do this if they don't want to, but guys, please do this. Finding out you can't have kids has felt akin to someone dying. Really. It's grief, it's mourning loss, and it's hard to deal with. So my post-IVF fail self care is: - Going to see a therapist (me) - Going to see a therapist (J) - Keeping a regular exercise routine - Eating well - Mindfulness meditation - Allowing myself a day off when I need one - Talking to friends / using my support network - Connecting with other people going through the same thing when I can / supporting others If you are reading this and have other suggestions, please comment! 3/3/2017 0 Comments infertility is exhausting.Everything's on hold. When you're trying, you turn down trips and festivals and parties and plans. "We'll I'll be pregnant by then," you think, "I don't want to stay at an all inclusive." You count ahead 40 weeks. "I'll be pregnant in July so I'll have the baby in April. The shower could be in March!"
So many plans! Your life is dictated by your ovulation predictor. And don't even talk to me about the two week wait. Then fertility tests. All those tests. For us, it started with genetic testing. Then things like a sonohystogram. Blood tests. Then corrective surgery. Then waiting for IVF. Then that doesn't work. Then alternatives. All of a sudden, years have gone by and most of that time is trying to prepare yourself for a baby. Maybe you bought a pretty three bedroom house. That just invites the questions, doesn't it? Why did you buy a house for just you and your husband? When are you two having kids? Ughhh it's exhausting. All this waiting for life to start (literally). Not to mention all the things I changed and put on hold (my career, mostly). And now... MAYBE I'll be pregnant next month. Maybe the month after. Or maybe never? It's. just. exhausting. And the banality! The waiting. The days, weeks, months, years. The trips we didn't take, the money we spent (wasted?), the parties we couldn't bring ourselves to attend. SIGH. 2/27/2017 0 Comments ivf #1 failI've tried to write this post so many times. What to say? How to say it? How honest should I be? I struggle with an anxiety disorder and the worst thing for someone with anxiety is uncertainty. We live in one of the most uncertain times ever. Politically, societally, everything is uncertain right now. Anything could happen. It is a scary time to be on the crux of anything especially if you have studied history and can see the glaring similarities between our present situation and, say, the 1930s.
This is also the most uncertain time in my life. A time where I feel absolutely out of control. I think any bad diagnosis will do that. I read somewhere that those struggling with infertility suffer the same amount of stress as cancer patients. I don't know if that's true, but it doesn't feel good. It's crushing at times. You see, in my younger days I would have checked out of this scenario months ago. I'd have moved country or at least city. I'd have started anew. Now I'm married and the geopolitical situation isn't so hot and I bought a house right before I lost my job and I need medical treatment and I am forced to deal with the situation I'm presented with. No shortcuts, no running away. Just staying and dealing. Maybe that in itself is a gift. Maybe that is the lesson. I'm in the country that others are trying to run to (lucky) and I'm okay. There is no flight so I am left with fight- it's all I have. I don't have a baby. Yet. But I probably will. I have options. We have options. We'll see the doctor tomorrow and see what she says. I don't know if we can do this again. |
AuthorCall me M. The About page should lower those expectations of yours. Archives
November 2017
CategoriesAll Celebrities Clomid Femera Fertility Hormones Infertility IUI IVF Male Infertility Mental Health Mindfulness TWW |