Heyyy everybody. Today's the day after my egg transfer. I am not feeling good at all. It's hard to goad yourself into feeling happy or positive or relaxed or calm when you're not only going through a really tough time but you're also being pumped full of hormones. Right now I'm on progesterone, which has a laundry list of side effects. Most noticeable are bloating, mood swings and irritability for me. So, today I'm EXTRA sensitive to the bullshit behaviour of others. Especially my sister, who I've mentioned many times had a baby two months ago and will not stop fucking sending me pictures of her baby ALL DAY LONG without EVER ONCE asking me how I'm doing/ how IVF is going. So I thought this would be the perfect time to help you figure out how to be sensitive to your friend or relative struggling with infertility.
1. ASK ME HOW IT'S GOING. I've been doing this IVF cycle for a couple weeks now and I can't tell you how many people (that know about it of course) have left me to my own devices. Some of these same people (not even just my sister) have sent me pictures of their babies. I have no problem with my friends and family being happy and getting pregnant and having babies, but sending someone going through an intensive health treatment a picture of your healthy cute baby and not even asking them how treatment is going? That's cold, dude. For real. At one point a friend sent me a pic of "what I'm doing right now" with a baby and I sent back a pic of my injections. Here's what I'M doing right now! (emoji) (That friend never wrote back or asked how IVF was going.) Just sending an unsolicited pic of your baby during IVF treatment shall henceforth be known as a hit and run. (Image writing someone an email about how you're doing and never including a "How are you?" line) IVF treatment is a daily reminder that you don't have a baby. A good friend of mine (who has a baby) called me today just to see how I am, and I so appreciated her taking the time to check in. Then I asked and heard all about her baby, who I love, by the way. It's more about sensitivity rather than me being jealous of people with babies. 2. DON'T SUGGEST TREATMENTS / PLANS TO ME. IE Why don't you adopt? Why, thanks, that had never occurred to me. No, but really, don't you want to give a home to a kid who really needs it? Isn't it a bit selfish to take up all this resource on the plant with your silly need to have a baby when you could be helping someone who really needs help? Hey, thanks for your worldview, but not only is it super condescending, I'm assuming you haven't done much research about adoption and its very real hurdles and financial implications. And if you have, then I can only assume that your worldview doesn't include people who don't have 60k to burn. Why don't YOU adopt? I'll save you the trouble - everyone ever has heard of adoption, so just assume the person knows about it already. Any treatment suggestions aren't necessary unless you're a doctor or you're someone who has gone through fertility treatment and knows something about it. I can't tell you how many people have suggested I do IUI. Yeah, thanks, that much easier and significantly cheaper treatment never came up in my research. Please don't send me your helpful fertility diet or fertility seminar or whatever else. I have Google, if I'm interested, I'll find and try it. ABOVE ALL THIS INCLUDES TELLING ME TO RELAX. Telling someone struggling to get pregnant to "relax and it'll happen" is akin to telling a single person that "it'll happen when you stop looking" or telling someone who has cancer to "relax and it'll sort itself out." Unfortunately we're past relaxation as a treatment, k? (That's not to say I haven't tried everything under the sun, from eating certain foods to acupuncture to meditation because of course I have. After having a diagnosis for years, I've tried whatever might work so your suggestion really isn't necessary.) 3. I DON'T MIND ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT IVF. What is the first stage of IVF? How does a baby get made through IVF? How much does it cost? People who I tell about the treatment have a lot of questions and that's okay. I don't mind explaining parts of the process to you at all. A lot of people ask me and then apologize immediately. Don't worry about asking questions - I'll answer them as well as I can. Please don't ask people what's causing infertility, though. If they want to tell you, they will. Believe me. (Oh, top tip, don't ask a woman, "Is it your age?" ... no one ever asks men this, do they?) 4. THIS SHIT IS PHYSICALLY RIGOROUS. The thing a lot of people don't realize about IVF is: not only is this really expensive, hard and time consuming, you're being laid on a table every other day being probed by a wand (seriously) and needles. I have bruises all over my body from injections and blood draws. I have gained a significant amount of weight and I can't do my regular exercise routine. I am on various doses of hormones at any given time during the cycle. I've been training for this for a while - exercising and eating a special diet. I cut down on caffeine significantly and gave up alcohol altogether a while ago. All of this together has been very physically demanding. Being on hormones that affect my mental state is really hard. A lot of the things that I'm going through physically mimic pregnancy, which is painfully ironic (I think this is the first time I've acknowledged it out loud). Please keep this in mind when you're talking to your friend or relative and OFFER SUPPORT. 5. IT MIGHT NOT WORK. This is a tough one. It's not something I thought about a lot before going into it, and personally, I'm glad I didn't. There's no point going into it if you don't believe there's a chance. But some people either a) Tell me it might not work (I already know that) or b) Tell me it's definitely going to work. Just leave your scientific predictions and focus on supporting your loved one in the way that s/he expresses s/he needs support.
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AuthorCall me M. The About page should lower those expectations of yours. Archives
November 2017
CategoriesAll Celebrities Clomid Femera Fertility Hormones Infertility IUI IVF Male Infertility Mental Health Mindfulness TWW |