We always knew that needing a donor would be a possibility. And of course our approach was always, if that's what we need, then we'll make a family that way. And J will be a great father. We have donor conceived people in our family (a beautiful one-year-old, and we just found out, a family member's partner). I believe in different kinds of families and beyond believing in them, I am definitely part of a very complicated family structure. Half-siblings, stepmothers, non genetic grandparents, whatever! (J comes from a much more traditional clan.)
When we realized that having a biological child wasn't in the cards for us, it was different. J is still having trouble dealing with it, understandably. But so am I. Our first IUI cycle starts this weekend (ish). I'm feeling really anxious, I'm feeling guilty for being fertile, I'm feeling disappointed that I've had to wait for so long, I'm feeling scared that it won't work. The disappointment of infertility is crushing. It affects every other part of your life. It takes all your energy, a lot of your time and it messes with your head (especially the hormones). Your friends and family say really insensitive things, they aren't supportive, they don't understand. I really didn't believe infertility treatment would be as stressful as cancer treatment before I started. But this is a widely cited fact and now I understand. I've never been through cancer treatment, of course, but I think the idea is that it's extremely taxing. It's not a comparison as much as people experiencing this trying to make other people understand how fucking hard it actually is. It's really fucking hard! J and I have both been through hormone treatment and surgical procedures. We've both been through the endless cycles of hope, then disappointment (first trying to conceive, then fertility treatment with a miscarriage in there somewhere). Sometimes the sadness is paralyzing. I've also been dealing with not having a job so I am at home by myself all day. This has been stressful financially and lonely. The only people I can hang out with during the day are people with babies. So that's kind of a dilemma. I want to reach out and spend time with people but I also need to limit my time with new moms - because of the obvious. It's so tough! It's one thing when you feel like everyone around you is pregnant or has a new baby, but it's another thing hanging out with all these little guys SO MUCH and being deftly aware that you don't have one. It's good to hang with people who don't have kids, too. It's also good to limit communications with people who aren't supportive. I've been limiting room for people who say hurtful or insensitive things (even if they're well meaning) to me right now. I've been limiting things that feel like obligations. It's hard! I don't really like the term "self-care" (I think it's kind of strange way to frame things) but I think when you're going through treatment (or in between treatments), it's okay to take care of yourself without feeling like you have to do things for others.
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AuthorCall me M. The About page should lower those expectations of yours. Archives
November 2017
CategoriesAll Celebrities Clomid Femera Fertility Hormones Infertility IUI IVF Male Infertility Mental Health Mindfulness TWW |